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Non-eels footy stuff

parra pete

parra pete

Referee
Messages
20,553
The EELiminator said:
here's one for you pete....

A husband comes home to find his wife watching tv and suddenly she yells out "Don't go there! Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

the husband asks "What the hell are you watching?" the wife replies "Our wedding video"
Click to expand...


I like it....lol
 
parra pete

parra pete

Referee
Messages
20,553
Bob is absolutely obsessed with tractors, you know the drill, tractor duvet, tractor curtains, tractor pants, tractor in the garage, founder of the tractor appreciation society etc.
But it is stopping him finding a girlfriend So his mum tells to go and see the doctor find out if there anything he can do. off Bob trots who promptly give up on tractors all problems will be solved. agrees.
Lo and behold, the very next day Bob has a date with a sumptuous blond and he cannot believe his luck. He takes her to the swankiest bar in town and begins to wine and dine her.
However she keeps complaining that the bar is very smokey and it’s irritating her contact lenses. Don’t worry shouts Bob and promptly stands up on his chair, inhales deeply and all the smoke in the room is inhaled into his mouth and disappears.
My God how did you do that, asks his date. That’s easy says Bob, I’m an ex-tractor-fan !!
cleardot.gif
 
parra pete

parra pete

Referee
Messages
20,553
I'm a loser baby... said:
FFS!!

Lol
Click to expand...

A bloke walks into a bar with a small dog. The barman says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The bloke says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The barman replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the bloke sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the barman and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The barman asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The bloke replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
 
Gary Gutful

Gary Gutful

Post Whore
Messages
51,913
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
parra pete

parra pete

Referee
Messages
20,553
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?

God replied: " I didn't recognize you !!!!!"
 
The EELiminator

The EELiminator

Coach
Messages
12,136
parra pete said:
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?

God replied: " I didn't recognize you !!!!!"
Click to expand...


i heard a similar one to this.....

A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat.

He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.

He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually."

The helicopter flew off.

After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again the man told them to go away, as God would save him.

Eventually, the man drowned. As his soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why didn't God save me?"

Saint Peter said, "He sent you a rescue helicopter and a lifeboat! What more do you want?"
 
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