MATT ORFORD DIARY
Monday
Dessy gave us the day off today as a reward for our wonderful win over the Rabbitohs so I went for a drive. I crashed into a parked car. Later I rang my insurance company and blamed the driver of the parked car for the accident...they didn't believe me...must hate Manly.
Tuesday
Dropped my teletubbies toothbrush while brushing my teeth. Was king hit by the bathroom sink as I bent down to pick it up. Lay on the floor whimpering for two hours until I realised that there was no-one around to hear me...went to training
Wednesday
Went to a special training session today. One of the players called me 'soft' so next time they had the ball I hit them in a tackle as hard as I could. Now they'll have some bruises for show-and-tell tomorrow. Calling me soft. The headmaster didn't show much gratitude for me turning up either. All he kept going on about was the 'crying 12-year-old girl' and 'what was he going to say to her parents'
Thursday
Only had a half day's training session today so I went for a walk in the afternoon and was assaulted by a lamp post. Luckily that touchie from the Rabbitohs match was there as a witness and he came with me to the police station and explained that he clearly saw the lamp post attack me. They laughed...damn Manly haters
Friday
Found out something about myself today and it all started early in the morning...
I woke up and showered and put on my best tracksuit for another hard days work of being an over privileged little git. Catching sight of myself in the mirror he thought, By God Matty, youre looking good this morning. I was feeling good too.
I entered the kitchen and my bird, handed me a bowl of cornflakes.
Youre looking good this morning, Matty, she said.
I feel good as well. I replied.
But youre not smelling so good, mind, said my beloved.
I took a sniff. Youre right, I said worriedly, I am smelling a bit rough.
I ate my breakfast and headed off to Brookie.
Good morning to you, Dessy, I said to Hassler.
Its a fine morning, Ox he said youre looking good today.
Why thank you, I look good and I feel pretty good too, I replied flexing my arms.
Oh Matty, he said, you smell terrible.
I was a bit worried so I went to visit the club doctor. Doc, Ive got a problem. I look good, feel great, but smell terrible, I explained.
The doctor looked in his medical book, looks good, feels great, but smells terrible.
Aaah, yes. Here it is, he said, Its quite simple Matt. Youre a c##t.