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OT: Joke Thread

The Preacher

First Grade
Messages
7,193
Lorrena Bobbitt was trying to get away from the police, in a car chase, after severing her husbands penis. While the police were pursuing, she threw the penis from the car window, where it hit the windscreen of a car travelling in the opposite direction.
The driver of the car said to his passenger,"What the f**k was that"??
To which the bloke replied, "f**ked if I know, but did you see the size of the c**k on it"!! :D
 

_Johnsy

Referee
Messages
27,810
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into the local westpac branch.

As soon as they enter one screams "Air in the hands motherstickers"

On cue the other then yells "This is a f*ckup !!"
 
Messages
8,480
Sick but funny (at least IMO anyway)....


What's black and sits at the top of the stairs??

Christopher Reeve after a house fire


What did Timmy, the red-headed deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas??

Aids
 

Dragon_psa

First Grade
Messages
7,058
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
 

Dragon_psa

First Grade
Messages
7,058
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
 

Dragon_psa

First Grade
Messages
7,058
The man in the photo

At the end of a long night of passionate love-making, as the early-morning sun starts to light up her bedroom, he notices a photo of a man on the nightstand beside her bed.



It makes him uneasy.

After a while he asks nervously: "That's not your husband, is it?"

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling at his ear.

"Your father," he asks, hoping to be reassured.

"No."

"Your brother?"

"No."

"Well, who the hell is he then," he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
 

11Straight

Juniors
Messages
1,766
3 Mates were watching the cricket and really getting stuck into the piss anyway by the end of the game they were all well and truly wasted and they all passed out next to each other on the couch.

When they woke up the next morning they realized their flys were unzipped,Not caring much the bloke in the middle asked his mate on the right what he dreamt about last night and his mate replied
"I had the most wonderful dream i dreamt i was getting a handjob from Cindy Crawford"

Then he asked his mate on the left what he dreamt about and he said
"Funny that you dreamt that because i dreamt i was getting a Handjob off Jennifer Hawkins"

Then they both asked the guy in the middle what he dreamt about and he replied rather sheepishly

"I dreamt that i was downhill Skiing".
 

11Straight

Juniors
Messages
1,766
Bob picked Mary up at a bar one night and they hit it off really well,Later that night they end up back at Bobs place where they have the intense lovemaking either of them have ever had.

After they finally finish Bob goes to light up a cigarette and is astonished that Mary is playing with his knob seemingly ready for more.

Bobs says to her "You can't possibly be ready for more after that incredible session we just had"

Mary replied "No Bob my love im just remembering the good times i had when i had one of these".
 

Dragooner

Bench
Messages
4,114
This one's a bit racist but it's still funny.

There's 3 guys in a hot air balloon.
One's American, One's Chinese and the other is Australian.
There is to much weight in the hot air balloon so they decide to throw off one thing that they have to much of in their country.
The American guy throws of a moviestar.
The Chinese guy throws off rice.
And then the American guy goes "Hey, where's the Chinese guy?"
The Aussie guy answers and says "Oh, we have to many of them in our country.
 

Dragooner

Bench
Messages
4,114
A man is walking down a street when he passes a bank.
The guy reads a sign on the bank window.
It reads, "MAN WANTED for Bank Robbery!"
The man walks in and applies for the job!
 

Dragooner

Bench
Messages
4,114
There's a little girl named Little Jinny Janey.
Every Sunday she attends Sunday School where she falls asleep.

One day when she's asleep the teacher asks, "Little Jinny Janey, who created the universe?"
Another child pokes her with a thumbtack and she yells "Oh, God!"
"Correct" says the teacher.

Later that day the asks Little Jinny Janey another question. "Little Jinny Janey who is our saviour?"
Once again another child pokes her with a thumbtack and she yells "Jesus Christ!!"
"Correct" says the teacher.

Towards the end of Sunday school the asks Little Jinny Janey another question. "Little Jinny Janey, what did Eve say to Adam after their 21st child?"
Once again another child pokes her witha thumbtack and she yells, "If you stick that thing into me one more time I'll snap it in half!"
 
Messages
8,480
Two spews are rolling down a street, when one of them starts to shed tears.

"What's wrong mate?" asked the first spew..

"Nothing mate, I'm just a bit sentimental. This is where I was brought up"
 

Dragooner

Bench
Messages
4,114
This blonde girl walks into a shop.
"Can I buy that hair dryer?" says the blonde.
"No, because your blonde," replies the shopkeeper.
The girl then goes and dyes her hair brown.
She walks back into the shop and says "Can I buy that hair dryer?"
Once again the shopkeeper replies "No because your blonde."
The girl is shocked that he knew she originally had blonde hair.
So she goes and dyes it orange.
She walks back into the shop and says, "Can I buy that hair dryer?"
Once again the shopkeeper replies "No because your blonde."
The lady screams. "How do you know that I am a blonde!!"
"Because that's a microwave not a hair dryer."
 
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