Anna Rules
Look, I am well aware that Summer is Seth's childhood crush. Those are hard to break. When I was in fourth grade, I liked Melissa Volpini, originally from Brazil, forever in my heart. She barely spoke a word of English, but she had long, wavy brown hair, a smile from across the room that made long division a pleasant experience and a face filled with such beauty that it made She-Ra look like Skeletor. I would have quit kickball for this girl. Years later, if Melissa had finally come to her conceited senses and seen me for the warm-hearted dork that I was, she'd be hard to resist. Unless there was an Anna Stern to consider. Then, it would be a no-brainer, a decision simpler than Sandy's to wed the gorgeous, giving, hard-working beauty that is Kirsten.
From their initial meeting at Cotilion, Seth and Anna were a quirky pair made in Newport heaven. Seth, lacking the materialistic desires of most members of the community, needs a companion whose interests range beyond Gucci and the latest dietary trend. Anna is from Pittsburgh, a working class town, one that named its football team after the city's wealth of steel mills. She truly is an outsider in Orange Country. Seth has felt like one his entire life.
A change in the Summer winds may be blowing, as her scoffing at anything supposedly beneath the Newport radar has been replaced with references to The Golden Girls. She doesn't seem as shallow. But let's not place that Miss Congeniality sash across her chest just yet. Summer's first reaction to kissing Seth, her response to her budding feelings for the Cohen's only offspring, was one of shame. She was embarrassed about it, threatening Seth's well-being if he told a soul about their lips' encounter. Instead of being infatuated with Seth, Summer was infuriated with herself. She doesn't deserve him.
Then, there's Anna. Purely interested in Seth's happiness from the outset, she subjugated her own feelings in order to help Seth make Summer jealous. There was Anna listening to Seth complain about Summer's taste in men at Caleb's yacht party. There she was again, watching him ogle over Summer at the carnival. This twosome's first kiss? Seth believed that it was meant to bother Summer; Anna believed that it was simply meant to be. The short-haired blonde with the cutest smile this side of Melissa Volpini had her heart crushed by Seth and still pursued the naive nerd. She never gave up. She was never shy -- let alone embarrassed and ashamed -- about her feelings.
No example better illustrates the differences between Anna and Summer than their choice of holiday gifts for their hopeful hunk. Anna was creative, unique, appealing to Seth's fondness for comic books and childhood toys with a hand made adventure starring Captain Oats. No one else on the planet would have enjoyed that gift other than Seth and no one else would have thought to make it other than Anna. Summer? She took her clothes off. There's originality. Sure, she was wearing a Wonder Woman costume underneath, but any girl with a credit card can pick one of those up. Many other males on the planet would have enjoyed that gift and many other females would have thought of it. After poor, well-meaning Anna walked in on the scantily clad Summer and it became obvious that Seth had a decision to make, let's not forget Summer's endearing words: "I don't do the feelings thing." Well, you know what then, you Blanche wannabe, you don't get to do the Seth thing, either!
Any girl from the OC worth her Pradas would be lucky to be with Seth. Summer could still not bring herself to admit this, however, as should told Anna that she belonged with "someone like Seth Cohen." In doing so, Summer derided both the boy that she is too immature to deserve and the girl who knows much better. Good for Anna for taking that cue and kissing Seth on his driveway! Good for the outgoing, outsider from the Steel City who doesn't judge a dork by his skateboard! Good, most of all, for Seth Cohen! Summer has made valiant strides in personality and priorities since the girl who warned Seth of a certain death if he tried to touch her in that hotel bed. Maybe someday she will find someone like Seth Cohen for herself. But this Seth Cohen is the original, the one and only, the Magic card-playing, warm, lovable, heretofore considered loser of all losers whose heart belongs to Anna Stern. Hallelujah!
Summer Rules
I am a master debater. There is nothing I like more than placing myself in a comfortable position, gathering a warm, moist towel and a saucy video, and then debating which current economic system would be in the best interest for rebuilding third world countries. Yes, I love a good debate, I've known a good debate, and this Anna versus Summer debate is no good debate. It's actually a simple fact: Summer is the best. Had my Anna-loving adversary not been so garrulous in his argument, I could have summed up this whole debate with a poem I like to call "Summer is hot, Anna is not." The poem goes a little something like this:
Summer is hot
Anna is not
But, in the interest of paragraphs, allow me to prove that it is Summer, and not Anna, who is the most desirable girl on The OC
For any relationship to be healthy, the participants of said relationship must be healthy. Sure, Love Story made our parents' generation cry, but sit through the movie with them now and they'll tell you they don't know why Ryan O'Neil chose to love a dying woman. Love may mean never having to say you're sorry, but when Anna Stern says anything at all, her head bobs and weaves like a prize fighter. Or should I say it spins, like ex-Spin Cityer Michael J. Fox's head does now, a victim to Parkinson's Disease. That's right kids, after careful observation, it has come to light that Anna Stern suffers from Parkinson's Disease. So go ahead, choose Anna if you want, but how desirable can a girl be if she's going to lose all body control before she graduates high school? And I ask you, what kind of girl hides her fatal disease from her young lover? Not the kind of girl who doesn't want to crush a young man's heart when she dies a hideous, gruesome death. Of course, you may say, Anna doesn't have Parkinson's Disease. Fine. You don't have to accept the fact that she is afflicted, but you cannot deny the unexplainable head motions whenever she talks, and that's just weird, Parkinson's or not.
It is true that Anna Stern is an outsider, and that Seth Cohen has felt like an outsider living inside The OC his whole life, but what does that prove? That they are alike? May I remind you that the finest of all romances, Romeo and Juliet, centered itself on a pair of star-crossed lovers, a couple so completely different that only the their love bonded them. Popular girl Summer and comics-loving Seth are cast in the mold of Romeo and Juliet, two people from two different social houses bonded only by their love for one another. So Anna is an outsider, too. So what? She should find herself a vial of poison or a trusty dagger and end her life before she corrupts what could be California's first version of Romeo and Juliet since Baz Lurhman's, um, Romeo and Juliet.
All boys love comic books and toys. That is to say, all young boys enjoy comic books and toys. Once you hit a certain age, comic books, even the poorly made, token of affection kind, take a back-seat to hot girls in skimpy clothing. Knowing this, and even knowing Seth's love of comic book heroine Wonder Woman, Summer's present was the better of the two gifts. Summer managed to fit Seth's dorky love of comic books and Seth's understandable love of breasts into one tight-fitting bodice. All Anna did was color inside the lines, and you call that a present? Where's she going to want to go for their first dinner date, the sand box for some delicious mud pies?
Seth Cohen is a lovable character, there's no denying that. But I ask you, why did we fall in love with Seth Cohen? Not for his looks, not for his status, but for his sense of humor, his quick wit. And when did that wit and humor gleefully shine brightest? When Seth was courting Summer, when Seth was using his humor to break down the walls Summer was hiding behind. Since Seth got together with Anna, we have been subjected to lame joke after even lamer situation involving this couple. Cracking jokes about early bird specials? Humidifiers? That's not the Seth Cohen I know. And what's the deal with going to bed before 8 p.m.? That's killing valuable Seth Cohen quick witty hours! To choose Anna over Summer quickly kills Cohen's comical comments and causes me to use alliteration.
I don't even have to point out that Summer is far more attractive than Anna, though I will. In a show where it seems the creator went to Ugly Girl High School, I'm amazed that a girl as gorgeous as Summer was even granted admission to Harbor. Look at Marissa, perhaps the ugliest female lead since Tootie on The Facts of Life. Then you have Anna, who may or may not be male. That Summer is also a cool girl on top of being the only attractive girl (outside his own family) that Seth hangs out with has to put her ahead of Anna on all levels. Still not convinced? Then I leave you with this: Anna and Seth wore matching scarves to school. On a day where other people were wearing T-shirts. In California. Stop the scarves. Stop the madness. Choose Summer.
nuff said really
