Night 8- The final Showdown
As with all good action movies, the finale came down to one big showdown. There were 5 players and 4 camps all vying for the victory. Some picked their targets wisely, others, unsurprisingly, went bat sh1t crazy.
The first man to make his play was the Colossal Swede Dolph Lundgren. He reasoned, with so many fake write-ups, that there was a good chance Rob Schneider was indeed vulnerable.
He stalked his target, but before he could reach him, a masked man attacked him from behind and disarmed the Nordic mountain.
Not this night, Swede. Not this night. Came the chuckle from the masked man.
Startlingly close we find 2 other combatants engaged in a standoff.
Youre either bad, or youre the dumbest man Ive ever met! snarled Norris with his M60 nestled against his shoulder.
Ive made a few mistakes, yeah. But Im trying to catch the bad guys, and my senses tell me you might be the baddest of the lot. Eastwood rebuked with his trademark glare, and hand hovering over his holstered Magnum.
There was no doubting Eastwood was the quicker draw, but Norris already had his gun already trained on the maverick cop.
From out of the bushes came the disorientated Swede. Both men lost their concentration just long enough for the masked man sneak up on Norris and kick his gun towards Lundgren. He wouldnt be coming back this time.
Ozzy is dead. He was Dolph Lundgren, Independent aligned Universal Soldier.
Clint Eastwood doesnt need too long to spot an opening and, in all the confusion, drew his Magnum and blew a hole in Norris chest.
Chuck looked up at the masked man.
Who
? He managed to ask whilst coughing up blood.
The masked man smiled and pulled of his mask, revealing himself to be Jason Statham.
Sylvester Stallone made me a sidekick in the Expendables films. I became nothing more than a supporting role to these dinosaurs you see littering the streets. Rob opened my eyes to this and made me a proposal. Better to rule in Hell, than serve in Heaven.
Rob Schneider walked over to Chuck with an annoying grin on his face.
Well Chucky boy, looks like all the Chuck Norris facts in the world cant save you now. Dont worry though, my next film has me playing a man, who becomes a woman, who has sex with a carrot, and gives birth to a stapler. And the best part is, I will play every role Mwhahaha! Die knowing that I rule the movie world b1tch
Schneider put his gun to Norris head and pulled the trigger, ending the resistance, and awarding victory to the sidekicks.
Dutchy Pride is dead. He was Chuck Norris, Independent aligned Lone Wolf
The attention turned to Clint Eastwood.
Clint seemed to be having a crisis.
So I actually finally nail a bad guy, and it hands the sidekicks victory?
Schneider laughed. Dont worry Clint, you did so much to help our cause weve decided to let you live. However as punishment for killing so many of your own people you will live out the rest of your days, playing a sidekick to a CGI robot in Michael Bay films.
Michael Bay appears from behind some bushes.
This is going to be awesome Clint. First Ill have you fly through the air in a car in a big explosion. Then the car will explode and turn into a giant robot. After that you and it will try and explode a giant
Clint had heard enough. He turned his own Magnum on himself and brought about the sweet, explosion free, silence of deaths embrace.
BM is dead. He was Clint Eastwood, Action Heroes aligned Man with no name
Well that was unexpected. Quipped Schneider.
I hoped they enjoyed it. That will be the last surprise they ever experience from a movie again. Retorted Statham.
The 2 sidekicks laughed and walked off into the sunset.
C.U.N.T.S.Victory
Starring
ButchMcDick as Joe Pesci
Roy Schneider will return in The Carrot Stapler
