Ask LU - The relationship advice thread II

[Hallatia]

Exactly. Unless they're just pissed as farts and not thinking at all emotionally (which can happen), they're making a conscious, emotional choice to cheat.

Not necessarily, sometimes people are emotionally very weak and vulnerable and someone takes advantage of that

As I said, I can see why someone might make the mistake in my situation, as just one example...the emotions of the cheater shouldn't be disregarded, and those calling people who would find it in themselves to forgive in certain situations don't seem to realise that, is all. Cheating is relative in the eye of those involved, I guess.

this, so much

 

[Dani]

No, I have not had both done to me, but I do have very close friends who have. Maybe I am too rational and not emotional enough, but safety is so much more important than love. And having a boyfriend or husband is not a necessary part of life. Even if no one else will love you, it's better not to be loved than to be subjected to love which is expressed that way

I've said this before but I stayed in an abusive relationship for more than a year because I truly believed I could not do any better and did not deserve any better.

Maybe you think I'm stupid. But really I'm just a sad, scared, lonely person who has never had any self-worth.

I learnt my lesson the hard way. I know I deserve better but it took a serious injury and me actually telling someone to get to that realisation.

For the rest of my life I have to think about what happened to me at the hands of someone I loved for four years and wonder every night how I'm ever supposed to trust again.

/cathartic release.

 

[Misanthrope]

Maybe you think I'm stupid. But really I'm just a sad, scared, loney person who has never had any self-worth.

This. This was me for a long time. I bounced through a series of absolutely terrible relationships, was used, belittled, and run into the ground to the point that I spent the first half of 2011 as an utter wreck.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Dani. That kid (I won't say man, because he doesn't sound like much of one) needs his head smacked a few thousand times.

 

[sportive cupid]

I think you sound like a very strong person Dani.probably alot stronger than many here

 

[Misanthrope]

I think you sound like a very strong person Dani.probably alot stronger than many here

Tempered by fire

 

[Bazal]

Over said this before but I stayed in an abusive relationship for more than a year because I truly believed that I could not do any better and did not deserve any better.

Maybe you think I'm stupid. But really I'm just a sad, scared, loney person who has never had any self-worth.

I learnt my lesson the hard way. I know I deserve better but it took a serious injury and me actually telling someone to get to that realisation.

For the rest of my life I have to think about what happened to me at the hands of someone I lived for four years and wonder ever night how I'm ever supposed to trust again.

/cathartic release.

I don't think it's any of those things, tbh. My (infamous?) best friend was in an abusive relationship....like, this dude threw her across a room and over a landing, fractured ribs and arms and things. She is one of the most confident and self assured people I know. But she stayed because she truly felt that he loved her, because (and these are her words) she developed a victim complex where she basically became completely submissive. She never felt that she didn't deserve better, she simply said she felt that he was strong and she was weak and that was the way it was.

Now, I'm not saying that applies to you in any way, I'm being a bit more general. I've never met you in person, although it would be cool to do so one day and we should totally arrange it ...but...you've never struck me as lacking confidence or self worth, not in a total sense. I feel like you and I are quite a lot alike in many ways. I'm not nihilistic, I have a sense of worth. Personally, I struggled for a long time with my mental issues and the mistakes that came from that haunt me. I don't like myself, I hate who I became and what I did to people who mattered to me. Circumstances aside, you strike me as someone like that who is more haunted and gun shy (so to speak) than lacking self worth or confidence. Just my opinion anyway...

 

[sportive cupid]

No,just strong.

 

[Dani]

Think about what i post here and apply the exact opposite to real life.

I am completely honest when i say i have no self-worth.

I guess this place lets me joke about being the person i want to be.

 

[sportive cupid]

Basal,there is not really a victim complex as much as there are perpetrators who seach out people to abuse.

 

[Bazal]

As I said, those are her words, although I did paraphrase a little...personally, when I found out, regardless of my love for her, he was lucky to be alive. People like that are absolute filth

 

[Hallatia]

I've said this before but I stayed in an abusive relationship for more than a year because I truly believed I could not do any better and did not deserve any better.

Maybe you think I'm stupid. But really I'm just a sad, scared, lonely person who has never had any self-worth.

I learnt my lesson the hard way. I know I deserve better but it took a serious injury and me actually telling someone to get to that realisation.

For the rest of my life I have to think about what happened to me at the hands of someone I loved for four years and wonder every night how I'm ever supposed to trust again.

/cathartic release.

I don't think you're stupid I just find the reasoning that "I should stay in this abusive relationship because no one else will love me" flawed. Because how can love override personal safety, when it is supposed to include said safety. The conditioning of women in this society saddens me so much. Women need to know that they are beautiful and worthy of love, but above all they have a fundamental right to safety ... etc

 

[urban eel]

You are wise beyond your years Halla

 

[Misanthrope]

I don't think you're stupid I just find the reasoning that "I should stay in this abusive relationship because no one else will love me" flawed.

It's not logical. It's also nothing to do with the conditioning of women. Men can be in abusive relationships as well. I knew a guy in college - small Asian guy - whose tall, Scandinavian girlfriend physically abused him. We all told him it wasn't cool and he didn't need her, but he had to come to that realisation himself.

You can't apply logic to matters like this. Stop trying to

 

[thorson1987]

I don't think you're stupid I just find the reasoning that "I should stay in this abusive relationship because no one else will love me" flawed. Because how can love override personal safety, when it is supposed to include said safety. The conditioning of women in this society saddens me so much. Women need to know that they are beautiful and worthy of love, but above all they have a fundamental right to safety ... etc

Sorry Halla i don't agree with you.

I know of plenty of people who have been in abusive relationships.

And as Dani said, it gets to the point where they do not believe they can do any better, that this person loves them so on and so forth.

IMO any bloke who hits a women is scum (and i was brought up by my mother that if a girl hits me first, it's ok to hit them back, but only open handed.)

I have never hit a girl even though i was brought up that way. The closest i have come was when i had a massive fight with the wife after we had only been together a few months. I was quite drunk and we had a massive argument. I just walked out before it got too out of hand and punch the next thing i walked past after i left her house. Just so happened to be a telegraph pole.

 

[BDR]

Plus how many impotent browbeaten 40 year olds do you see trapped in a 10 year loveless marriage because their missus wears the pants. There is a complex psychology of dominance and self-image involved.

 

[Misanthrope]

Plus how many impotent browbeaten 40 year olds do you see trapped in a 10 year loveless marriage because their missus wears the pants.

*Shudder* Second to Alzheimer's in my 'fears for old age' list.

 

[Dani]

It's so hard to explain what goes through your head when put in the situation.

I have had friends tell me they want nothing to do with me any more because i let him hurt me for so long.

Live and learn.

 

[umina panther]

Best mates mum was getting beaten. So we flogged him in the pub while telling everyone why were doing it. Don't say violence isn't the answer because it is in this situation. No one has seen him around since because all men who hit women are cowards

 

[Bazal]

Some friends they were....wtf? Sorry, but I value my friends and those I care about more than anything. I can't fathom that attitude....

 

[Misanthrope]

I have had friends tell me they want nothing to do with me any more because i let him hurt me for so long.

That is f**king geniused of your friends.