LEAGUE sensation Shaun Metcalf, who went from the youngest-ever player to turn out for the Warriors to a prison inmate at 16, has broken his silence on his return to grace.
"For the first couple of years after I got out of jail, I could barely watch it [league]," Metcalf told
Sunday News, tears rolling down his cheeks. "You don't really appreciate what you have until it is taken from you.
"It is everything I ever wanted to do, to become a fulltime footy player. I want that more than anything."
Now 23, Metcalf was jailed with two teenage friends in May 2004. The trio were involved in an attack on Metcalf's pregnant 16-year-old ex-girlfriend.
He spent five-and-a-half months in Wellington's Rimutaka Prison's youth unit. His budding professional league career faced a life sentence, with him being banned from travelling overseas.
But Metcalf has been thrown a lifeline after a successful campaign, spearheaded by his manager [former Kiwis coach] Frank Endacott and retired High Court judge and ex-New Zealand Rugby League chairman Trevor Maxwell, had the ban lifted in November.
"Being able to go to Aussie opens up so many pathways... it reignites my dream," said Metcalf, a star for the Warriors' feeder club, the Auckland Vulcans, in the NSW Cup competition for the past four seasons despite having only been able to play home games.
"I had to get a full police report over the last seven years to see if I had been in any trouble, or if I had been in the scope or around trouble."
Previous rejections by Australian immigration authorities had been shattering.
"All year you get your hopes up when the application is going through, and then all of a sudden you get this one simple `No' and the whole world comes tumbling down again," he said.
"It feels like you have committed an offence again and again and again."
Metcalf and his two friends were all imprisoned for the August 2003 attack on Metcalf's ex-girlfriend.
The teen who had told him she was having his baby was left bruised on the ground but protected her unborn child by wrapping her arms around her stomach, which was kicked repeatedly in the attack.
The trio pleaded guilty to attempting to procure an abortion, aggravated robbery and injuring with intent.
Metcalf and one of his friends were sentenced to 18 months' jail. The other friend, who didn't take part in the beating, was jailed for 15 months.
"I have never been proud of what I did, how I acted and the way I acted," Metcalf said. "I was 15 then. I was young, I was frigging dumb.
"I am deeply sorry for the actions I took to try and resolve a problem that wasn't even that big of an issue. I don't know how I came around to doing something like that."
Metcalf said at the time of the attack his "head was in the clouds" with people artificially inflating his sense of self-importance because he was a rising league sensation.
"The biggest lesson is being on top of the world one day, then right at the pits. It is not just about starting again, you feel like you are six feet under trying to dig your way out," he said.
"The reality is, you have to deal with the consequences that you bring on yourself. I'm 23 now, it's eight years on and I have grown up. I have sat around for the last eight years thinking about what I have done... and I don't think I should be punished any more.
"I know what I did was wrong and I understand that there are consequences. [But] I have to live for tomorrow, not for yesterday."
Metcalf's commitment to chasing his NRL dream, plus providing a future for his partner and their six-year-old twins, sees him start work at 3am to drive meat delivery trucks. After finishing work at 10am, he has a fitness workout before a mid-afternoon sleep, time with his twins, then Auckland Vulcans training sessions.
His "driving force" is repaying the faith, love and support of his family.
"Knowing what I had, and what I could have had for my family right now, is the biggest let-down for myself," Metcalf said.
"I want to try and give my kids and family a real good life. [My partner] stuck with me and has been my rock... whenever I have needed someone to talk to, she has been there.
"My partner and my parents, they are always trying to help me get to where I have always wanted to be."
He was also grateful for the support of his employer, his workmates and friends and associates in the rugby league community. "Without it, I don't think I would have kept on going."
Metcalf was also helped on his road to redemption by former All Black enforcer Norm Hewitt, who visited him in jail.
"He used to come into the prison and take us for trainings in the mornings," Metcalf said.
"He helped me understand more about what I had done, to take ownership of it, what I could do about it that wouldn't just benefit me but benefit my family as well.
"He was always always willing to listen... not just to me, but to all the boys."
The pair still keep in touch via text messages.
Metcalf is itching to achieve the league stardom that seemed just around the corner a long seven years ago.
"This NRL dream is not just mine... I do it for others in this household.
"I am not giving myself another two years to make it... it is kind of all or nothing right now."
