Funniest Simpsons lines ever

[AlwaysGreen]

From Burns' Heir:

Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-c**ks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.


Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

 

[AlwaysGreen]

And:

Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!


Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.

 

[Horrie Is God]

Troy McClure: [on a video screen] Welcome to the Knowledgeum. I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport", and "Where's Nordstrom?". While you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will be unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...

 

[Rhino_NQ]

alien disguised as president clinton "As a small boy i dreamed of being a baseball"

 

[BDR]

The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders!?

 

[abpanther]

Man: Hey, sir! Try our wax lips: the candy of 1000 uses!
Homer: [skeptical] Like what?
Man: One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
Homer: Mm hmm, keep going.
Man: Two, er.......ooh, I'm needed in the basement!

{The man walks back and forth, gradually disappearing from sight as he walks down the "stairs". At the bottom, he peeps over the counter, sees Homer still there, and ducks quickly.}

 

[Bulldog Force]

This is probably Groundskeeper Willie's best on :lol:

[youtube]2LnVIo3Bwzs[/youtube]

 

[abpanther]

Homer: No bear sightings, bear patrol is doing it's job
Lisa: That's one view
Homer: What?
Lisa: I can claim this rock keeps tigers away
Homer: How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock. But I don't see any Tigers around.
Homer: Hmmmm, Lisa, I wish to buy that rock.

"Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?"

 

[shaggs]

alien disguised as president clinton "As a small boy i dreamed of being a baseball"

And forever twirling, twirling towards freedom.

 

[BDR]

In fact in Rand McNally people wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people

 

[Rhino_NQ]

Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?

yes once

 

[Horrie Is God]

Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory..

 

[Horrie Is God]

Kent Brockman: Good night. Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you could turn to another channel oh, do not turn to another channel..

 

[Apey]

According to Daddy's will, I will inherit the entire plantation.

I'll see to it that you don't get apricot one!

 

[Springs]

"Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?"

Homer: Oh Kent, I would be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent: ... well, touche

 

[Bazzi]

Ice Cream of Margie episode:

*Homer giving Marge more popsicle sticks*

"This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood."

 

[gUt]

Kent Brockman: Tonight on "Rock Bottom", we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
Farmer: I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
Man: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: [points] 'round back. [realizes] Whoops.

--------------

Burns: Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm.
Marge: Phew!
Burns: It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
Kent: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken. This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future.
Burns: Excellent

 

[BDR]

The image is what gets me too:

 

[Danish]

Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?

yes once

:lol:

I really would have loved to be in the room when they were writing the Scorpio episode.

Whatever genius added the "yes, once" line deserves a giant pile of cocaine with high class hooker sprinkles.

 

[Bazzi]