TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield!
It's all here--fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I...don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga!
Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is
the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!
-- Watching television, "The Cartridge Family"
% After wholeheartedly accepting Bart and Lisa's pleas that the family
% attend the match, we watch as the crowds gather at Springfield Stadium.
% The Simpsons sit together, preparing themselves for watching the game.
Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.
-- Homer making empty threats, "The Cartridge Family"
Marge: It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.
Bart: Yo! Paella Man! Wing one up here!
-- At the soccer game, "The Cartridge Family"
% The vendor tosses a bowl of yellow goop toward Bart, who catches it.
% Lisa, meanwhile, points out that Pele is on the field. The soccer star
% takes a microphone in hand and addresses the crowd.
Pele is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use
Crestfield Wax Paper.
-- Think he works for Crestfield? A sellout soccer player, "The Cartridge
Family"
% The referee blows his whistle, and the game begins. The Mexican team
% has first possession of the ball, kicking it with extreme caution around
% midfield as the crowd buzzes with excitement. The opposition stands nearby,
% hesitantly guarding its side. As the situation continues, the crowd's
% excitement begins to level off, until everyone in the stands sits silent.
Homer: [shouting] Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Brockman: [calling plays from booth listlessly] Halfback passes
to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center.
Center holds it. Holds it. [rolls eyes] Holds it...
Mexican Announcer: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back
to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [puts Flanders into
a headlock]
Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
-- The start of a traditional soccer riot, "The Cartridge Family"
% Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the
% aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney,
% enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people
% fighting on the stairs, bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish
% men watching the game stare boredly at nothing in particular.
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
-- Groundskeeper Willie to his fellow scots, "The Cartridge Family"
% The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near
% them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a voilent
% riot. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.
Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
Scotsman: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done! [runs off]
-- "The Cartridge Family"
% Strolling down Evergreen Terrace, surrounded by violence, Kent Brockman
% delivers the evening news.
What began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy
of destruction. [dodges a flying bottle] Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has
declared mob rule. So, for the next several years, it's every family for
itself!
awesome satire and soccer spoofing, especially funny if you know anything about soccer ;-)
also one of the best startings to an episode ever
