Summer Jokes.

[Hellsy]

Why did the elephant cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

How do you know there is an elephant in your house?
There's a taxi outside with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?
There are footprints in the butter.

 

[JessEel]

USELESS CRAP:

Did You Know . . . . .
On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Damn right!

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. lucky pig

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. teeny tiny bottles of beer :alcho:

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. cos theres so many yummy things at the bottom of a pond :roll:

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. "honey, im home!! WHAT THE???"

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. now if you were a cross between a pig and a lion.....

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. i know some people like that
Starfish haven`t got brains.. i know some people like that too

 

[bartman]

USELESS CRAP:

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
lucky pig

...

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
now if you were a cross between a pig and a lion.....

You'd still only get to 48 :shock: - and that's assuming no time off for foreplay :whistle
...or for food, footy or sleep!

 

[JessEel]

lol, you thought that out well barty, considering it are you? ;-)

 

[Utey]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[bartman]

Well, some say that we all come back as something, some type of animal... you want to make the best choice you can ;-)

 

[Hellsy]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a biscuit out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a biscuit? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his arse."

 

[yy_cheng]

Read this from the parraeels yahoo group

==============================================
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is a Bulldogs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are
Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked:

"Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a
Roosters fan?"

Because my mum and dad are from Bondi, and my mum is a Roosters fan
and my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Roosters fan You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the
time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict,
and your brother was car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

 

[Hellsy]

He said . . . "I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
She said . . . "You wear pants don't you?"



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

 

[di luvs parra]

:lol: Looks like we got the same email Hellchick ;-)

He said ... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said ... "Well, you succeeded!"

He said ... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She said ... "I would but you're never there."

 

[Twizzle]

He said . . . "I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
She said . . . "You wear pants don't you?"



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

not very sexist, are we

(good jokes tho)

 

[R Friday]

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm, he walks into the front room where his wife is sitting and says "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife replies "that's a duck".

The man says "I was talking to the f*cking duck".

 

[Hellsy]

:lol: Looks like we got the same email Hellchick ;-)

He said ... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said ... "Well, you succeeded!"

He said ... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She said ... "I would but you're never there."

I've got hundreds of them.....ask me to actually tell you the joke face to face though and I can't remember any of them properly!!! It's a blonde thing

 

[Hellsy]

He said . . . "I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
She said . . . "You wear pants don't you?"



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

not very sexist, are we

(good jokes tho)

Sexist!!!!! I resent that comment.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

He he he he he he he he

 

[Hellsy]

A priest and a nun were lost in a blizzard. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor - but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there, giving the woman a wink and a smile, then said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "Bring it on, big boy!" To which the priest yelled out, "Okay then - get up and get your own damn blanket!"

 

[Hellsy]

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

 

[Hellsy]

A guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll. The guy behind the counter says "Normal or Muslim?". "What's the difference?" asks the customer. "The Muslim one blows itself up."
--
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub...
--
A man finds his girlfriend furiously packing a suitcase in the bedroom and asks her what's up. His girlfriend replies, "My therapist says that you're a pedophile and I should leave you!" The man replies, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an eleven-year-old!"

 

[Hellsy]

Think this thread is dying.........
Decided to bring it back again.

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "BIG ones."

 

[GoParra]

Ok I've got a beauty .....


THE BLACK CAPS

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Suitman]

Ok I've got a beauty .....


THE BLACK CAPS

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

The sign of a good sport.

Suity