Summer Jokes.

[bartman]

I liked the one about the three elderly sisters :lol:

 

[sportive cupid]

they're supposed to funny honey

oww Twizzie,why are you so unkind

 

[Rednecked Yobbo]

Heres a couple

Ray Hadley
Jamie Lyon



The 2 biggest jokes walking, closely followed by Gary Freeman

 

[GoParra]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for
good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.
:?

So did you eventually have the bath or did it get too cold ? :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[sportive cupid]

I can't remember :?

 

[half]

Heres a couple

Ray Hadley
Jamie Lyon



The 2 biggest jokes walking, closely followed by Gary Freeman

how can jamie lyon walk without a spine?

 

[Hurriflatch]

Can't take credit for this one read it in the Rugby League Review:

A Parramatta fan walks into a bric-a-brac store and sees a brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his mothers birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"$25 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man. "Forget the story" says the bloke, and so he buys the rat for $25.

He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke runs back to the shop....

"Ahhh", says the shopkeeper, "you're back for the story"
"Stuff the story - do you have a brass Manly fan?"

 

[The Godfather]

How do Kiwi's practice safe sex ?

They brand the sheep that kick.

 

[Hellsy]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back.

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, looking quite uncomfortable. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, clears his throat and says, "Your house."

 

[Hellsy]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

 

[Hellsy]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[bartman]

Eeeew! Thanks Hellchick :shock:

 

[eeelectroshooting?]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

 

[eeelectroshooting?]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
********************************************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[Belly in Brisvegas]

Two pieces of string walk into a boozer...one is quite normal and one is a bit crazy.

They go up to the bar and the crazy one asks for two rum and cokes.

The bartender says "Are you a piece of string?"

And the crazy one replies "No I'm afraid not".

***********************************************************

If anyone seeks calrification please let me know.

 

[eeelectroshooting?]

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
********************************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[Hellsy]

I'm allowed to tell this joke cause I'm blonde as blonde can be....


A man on one side of a river sees a blonde on the other side of the river.

He yells "How do i get to the other side?"

The blonde replies "Youu are on the other side".

 

[Hellsy]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said,

"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,"Let me see that f*cking map!"

 

[Hellsy]

Two eggs are sitting in a frying pan. The first egg turns too the other and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

Then the second egg exclaims "AH! It's a talking egg!!!"

:thumnn

 

[Hellsy]

Why did the punk rocker
cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.