Summer Jokes.

[Hellsy]

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[bartman]

These are some one-liners that went around on email at work. I just kept the best ones:

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

A good pun is its own reword.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Clones are people two.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

[Eelectrica]

How to Kill a Mockingbird
http://www.stanford.edu/~scodary/tkam.htm

:lol: :lol:

Warning: Might take a while to download, especially on dial up.

 

[Rednecked Yobbo]

What do you call 10 Manly supporters huddled in a group?

Target Practice.

 

[sportive cupid]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


" Only when he's been drinking."

 

[sportive cupid]

ANd now for one with a christmas flavour(sorry to all those of you who find this at all offensive)
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[JessEel]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: I have problems printing in red... >> >
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

 

[Eelementary]

A man comes home one day with an animal under his hand, he walks into the house and his wife comes out to greet him. The man says "see, this is the pig ive been rooting". His wife looks confused and replies "thats a duck not a pig", and the man says "I was talking to the duck".



A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is
going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard,

"what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into
the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks
up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water
did you drink?!!"






Every xmas, a rich guy and a poor guy go shopping for presents for their wives. The poor guy says to the rich guy "what'd you get your wife this year", the rich guy says "a diamond ring and a mercedes". The poor guy says "whyd you get her a diamond ring and a mercedes"? The rich guy replies "if she doesnt like the ring, she can take it back in the mercedes, what'd you get your wife?" The poor guys replies "a pair of slippers and a dildo". The rich guy asks "whyd u get her a pair of slippers and a dildo". The poor guy says "if she doesnt like the slippers, she can go f*** herself".






The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."









Oh I'm on fire.

 

[JessEel]

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water
did you drink?!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Eelementary]

Yeah I love that one.

My precious....

 

[JessEel]

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*itch."

 

[Eelementary]

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*itch."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Redback71]

2 blondes r in the cineama watching a movie when blonde no 1 turns to Blonde no.2 and says "thats disgusting"

blonde no.2 replys "why whats disgusting"

"the bloke sitting next to me is wanking himeself" replys blonde no.1

Blonde no.2 replys why dont u slap him across the face and tell him to get the hell out of here"

"i cant " replys blonde no.1 "hes using my hand'

 

[Redback71]

theres 3 pregnant women having a chat an aussie girl, a pommie girl and a irish woman.

when the pommie chick says "im gonna have a boy"

"how do you know" reply the other 2

"cause when i had sex he was on top" replies the pommie chick.

the aussie girl replies " that means im having a gril cause i was on top when i had sex"

the irish girls screams and starts crying when the aussie and pommie chick asks the irish chick whats wrong.

the irish chick replies "that means in having a puppy".

 

[Hellsy]

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "I have... only fifty cents!"

 

[Hellsy]

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8 percent of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

 

[Hellsy]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

nice person! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

nice person! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And nice person! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

 

[Eelectrica]

Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?

A: Everyone skips the flat ones.

 

[Hellsy]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, purple, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.

 

[Glen]

A lady is going through the checkout at the supermarket. She buys the following:
Soup for one
Pasta for one
Wine for one
Pudding for one
etc

The guy working on the checkout says as he is scanning the items, "Let me guess, you're single?"

The lady laughs and says sarcastically, "How can you tell?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."