1. You don't know what a wall of text is.
is it anything like this?
This morning, at 8:20, I woke up with a migraine. Marvel had a 9:00 meeting, and we would have been fine, but it was past the point where he could take the bus, and I wasn't about to drive him to work when opening my eyes caused pain. I'm not sure if he made it there (ie, drove himself -- he doesn't have a parking pass yet, since I always drive). I sent an email to my team saying I was out sick with the migraine, but suspected it would die down if I slept some more. It didn't until 4:45, and even now (9:40), it's not all the way gone. I ate "breakfast" at 5:30, and drove into work to see if I couldn't at least get a little done. Very little has. Yesterday, after my weekly counseling appointment, I had a bit of a panic episode. I don't know if I've had a panic attack before, but if I have, this was one of them. Rather than going to my community group and my weekly meeting with Luke, I left work a little early and went home to sleep. I have no idea how well I actually slept, because I had a dream within a dream. The outer dream was about having fitful sleep. There was also some reality TV recording going on at a family friend's house. And some sort of hover board/possibly being accused of murder. Goose broke up with me a couple weeks ago. In fact, it's been about the same number of days since she broke up with me, as our relationship lasted. (I didn't actually do the math.) I think (I would hope) that I'm over the worst of it. The worst part is that I lost a girl who would have been an awesome friend. She and I both agree we would make great friends, so when she was performing the break up, it was sad that things weren't working out, but at least we could hang out sometimes, and the loss wasn't as great. I pretty much fall for that every time. Some of my exes and I are on great terms now, but I don't see them regularly, and in all but one case, that was after a lot of time apart. Denna's the exception because we broke up on good terms, and because she lives in Texas, so it's not like I was losing any time that we'd normally spend in close proximity. But, even had Goose and I been emotionally able to spend time together as friends, she started dating a guy within a few days. That added a whole new layer of awkward, and was also a fist to the stomach of my pride and esteem. Even with all of those things against us, she's in college and I'm out in the real world. She hangs out with people who are around her in classes, in dining halls, in clubs. I have to schedule meeting times with people, because that's what you have to do in the adult world if you want to see someone. Scheduling time to see someone a 30 minute drive away feels awfully similar to a date, when you don't have friends in common. Anyway, it's been hard. A few times I thought I was done, and then it got worse than it had been up to then. I took a sleep test back in early December. I got the results the day I was supposed to leave to Arizona. I have symptoms consistent with mild to moderate narcolepsy. The pills they put me on seem to have very little effect. Maybe I've been more awake, but I don't feel like I've slept any better, any deeper, and it's still as hard as ever to drag myself out of bed. What I have noticed, is panic attacks or whatever it was I had yesterday. I've had three (two while still dating Goose). I've also been more consistently depressed. Since I've been on my mood stabilizers, I've very rarely been depressed, and never woken up depressed, much less three days in a row.
I should probably switch meds. I'm not sure which meds, nor how to coordinate my doctors, but this is clearly wrong. I'd rather be as tired as before (which, as I said, seems to be as tired as I am now) and not wish I weren't living, than awake and terrified of nothing in particular and hating every aspect of life and the fact that I'm stuck living. Work's been interesting, ish. I got put on a bug in our actual service, rather than on the web side of things. One night in particular on this bug was really fun, the most fun I've had in like 6 months working here. That bug, which I thought I'd finish in a couple days, took a couple weeks. It took so long that finally checking it in felt good and not good at the same time. We had some really dirty soccer games, and even if we won, I still felt like we lost. I've told my dev manager and my new dev lead-to-be that I don't want to keep working on the project I've had for the last two years. Hopefully I'll get moved soon. Mid-year reviews are soon, probably next week. I'm a little anxious about those. My sister wanted a new phone for Christmas, and I got her one. We went to the AT&T store a couple weeks ago, and she got an iPhone4, but they were out of stock, so they shipped her one. Apparently, the delivery guy didn't get a signature, and the phone was stolen, so we had to go back to the AT&T store and wait a while until they got their information in order. Ashley even called ahead of time and the person she talked to said everything was in order; all she had to do was show up with me (since it was on my account). It still took them the better part of an hour to figure everything out. Afterward, since I was there anyway, I asked if they could take a look at my phone and why it wasn't charging properly. They said I had to go to the service shop a few blocks away. I talked to the guy there for about 20 minutes, and in the end, he said that he'd have them ship me a new phone, battery, and charger, since they couldn't diagnose which was at fault. I'd get those in the mail, and then I'd ship back my current phone, battery, and charger at no cost. Sweet deal. Only, I got the package yesterday, and all that was in it was a phone. I hate customer service. On the other hand, in order to pay for my trip to Arizona, I sold a bunch of stock. I actually sold it twice, once before the trip, and then, having forgotten about it, again after the trip. I had the money deposited into my bank, but something went wrong, and they sent me a check. I never saw the check, but then, I don't keep a close eye on my mail. I called Fidelity up, explained the situation, and within minutes, everything was right. It was the best costumer service I've experienced. Church is going. Luke feels about the same as I do about our bible study now. It needs a reorg of sorts. Instead of having 20-40 guys in a room and splitting into randomly selected groups, we should have a bunch of small groups of people you actually get along with and really get to know them. Since that's on the radar, I think I'll keep going with it as-is, at least until I feel beat up enough to leave, as I've been feeling in the past. I have a lot of complaints, but not a lot of constructive feedback or ideas on how to make things better. I'd like to change that. I can't believe it's already the end of Wednesday. Monday I checked in my two-week bug fix. Yesterday I tried to get my coworker's project up and running and failed. Today I was in bed fighting a migraine. When I came in, I successfully figured out what was wrong with getting the project up and running (stupid hosts file), so at least there's that, but now I've got to make a bunch of changes the guy didn't have time for before he left on vacation. Who knows how long that will take. It's basically running down every possible code path and looking for places things could fail in order to make good error messages. I don't think the code paths are all that deep or broad, but I'm also not sure. Things apparently take me seven times as long as I originally think, and I don't have that much time this time. Tomorrow, I'm having my weekly Friday time with Chris (on Thursday), and on Friday evening, I'm leaving for the PCEC annual retreat. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for out of it. Last year I met Porter, so that was a huge blessing. There's a large chunk of time on Saturday for doing whatever you want, and it's a 45 minute drive to Crystal Mountain. I don't know if I'll bring my snowboard. I probably should. I hate "should." I hate feeling guilty about doing what whatever in my free time. I haven't been up to the mountain this year, and it would be fun. I'm not sure if I can fit my board in my car since I'm driving people with me. I could probably go with a coworker some weekend, if I pass this opportunity up. Ugh. Why is everything so complicated and guilt-ridden in my mind? The speaker this year is a pastor more "spiritually attuned" than most people at our church. People at Bethany aren't usually very comfortable talking about spiritual gifts or demons or spiritual oppression. This guy is. I met him once, but it was kind of awkward between us. I feel so dead right now. Life is monotonous and sickening. My main purpose in life seems to be not dying, because it would hurt people. And not trying to think about it. To some degree, wanting to die is a way of cursing God. At what point does being honest with God become blasphemy? A few weeks back, the sermon was on intimacy with God and being honest in prayer. As a gesture of honesty, I purposely left my bible under the pew. It wouldn't really affect my ability to read, since I normally just read online, but it was a gesture, a symbol. I have two souls, it seems. One that wants Good. One that can recognize love, at least to some degree. One that can feel affection from the simple act of playing cards with my mom, or a hug, or a kind tone. And one that is dead. One that can see acts of kindness and feel nothing. One that is scared of love. One that hates life, and having to live it. Trying to reconcile the twos' thoughts in order to speak them hurts and leaves me confused. It's pushing together two contradictory feelings and thoughts. The first knows that my mom loves me and can feel that as it happens. The second knows that my mom loves me but only because it's the truth. Where they agree is the matter of God's love. Both know that he loves me because it's the truth, but neither can recognize it.
An acquaintance of mine FB posted the two words "
Psalm 77" the other day. The song talks about parting the Red Sea, and how that comforted him, but what I find interesting is that he never saw that. This song was written generations after that event. I also liked verse 19. "Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen." By "liked" I mean "found frustrating". I don't know; I'm such a mess right now. I just want to
feel life. Actual life. The life I'm living. Is that really too much to ask? I know that I am loved. Can't I
know that I am loved? Can't I see it? Feel it? Taste it? I'm blessed with a great job, my dream job. I have plenty of friends. There are so many interesting things out there. Why am I bored? Why do I hate life? Why am I sick? Why do I always lack energy? Why am I always hungry, even when I can't eat anymore? Why can't I make myself move? Why am I discontent? Why am I not fulfilled? Why don't I see what people who want to live see? Why is everything empty?
This morning, at 8:20, I woke up with a migraine. Marvel had a 9:00 meeting, and we would have been fine, but it was past the point where he could take the bus, and I wasn't about to drive him to work when opening my eyes caused pain. I'm not sure if he made it there (ie, drove himself -- he doesn't have a parking pass yet, since I always drive). I sent an email to my team saying I was out sick with the migraine, but suspected it would die down if I slept some more. It didn't until 4:45, and even now (9:40), it's not all the way gone. I ate "breakfast" at 5:30, and drove into work to see if I couldn't at least get a little done. Very little has. Yesterday, after my weekly counseling appointment, I had a bit of a panic episode. I don't know if I've had a panic attack before, but if I have, this was one of them. Rather than going to my community group and my weekly meeting with Luke, I left work a little early and went home to sleep. I have no idea how well I actually slept, because I had a dream within a dream. The outer dream was about having fitful sleep. There was also some reality TV recording going on at a family friend's house. And some sort of hover board/possibly being accused of murder. Goose broke up with me a couple weeks ago. In fact, it's been about the same number of days since she broke up with me, as our relationship lasted. (I didn't actually do the math.) I think (I would hope) that I'm over the worst of it. The worst part is that I lost a girl who would have been an awesome friend. She and I both agree we would make great friends, so when she was performing the break up, it was sad that things weren't working out, but at least we could hang out sometimes, and the loss wasn't as great. I pretty much fall for that every time. Some of my exes and I are on great terms now, but I don't see them regularly, and in all but one case, that was after a lot of time apart. Denna's the exception because we broke up on good terms, and because she lives in Texas, so it's not like I was losing any time that we'd normally spend in close proximity. But, even had Goose and I been emotionally able to spend time together as friends, she started dating a guy within a few days. That added a whole new layer of awkward, and was also a fist to the stomach of my pride and esteem. Even with all of those things against us, she's in college and I'm out in the real world. She hangs out with people who are around her in classes, in dining halls, in clubs. I have to schedule meeting times with people, because that's what you have to do in the adult world if you want to see someone. Scheduling time to see someone a 30 minute drive away feels awfully similar to a date, when you don't have friends in common. Anyway, it's been hard. A few times I thought I was done, and then it got worse than it had been up to then. I took a sleep test back in early December. I got the results the day I was supposed to leave to Arizona. I have symptoms consistent with mild to moderate narcolepsy. The pills they put me on seem to have very little effect. Maybe I've been more awake, but I don't feel like I've slept any better, any deeper, and it's still as hard as ever to drag myself out of bed. What I have noticed, is panic attacks or whatever it was I had yesterday. I've had three (two while still dating Goose). I've also been more consistently depressed. Since I've been on my mood stabilizers, I've very rarely been depressed, and never woken up depressed, much less three days in a row.
I should probably switch meds. I'm not sure which meds, nor how to coordinate my doctors, but this is clearly wrong. I'd rather be as tired as before (which, as I said, seems to be as tired as I am now) and not wish I weren't living, than awake and terrified of nothing in particular and hating every aspect of life and the fact that I'm stuck living. Work's been interesting, ish. I got put on a bug in our actual service, rather than on the web side of things. One night in particular on this bug was really fun, the most fun I've had in like 6 months working here. That bug, which I thought I'd finish in a couple days, took a couple weeks. It took so long that finally checking it in felt good and not good at the same time. We had some really dirty soccer games, and even if we won, I still felt like we lost. I've told my dev manager and my new dev lead-to-be that I don't want to keep working on the project I've had for the last two years. Hopefully I'll get moved soon. Mid-year reviews are soon, probably next week. I'm a little anxious about those. My sister wanted a new phone for Christmas, and I got her one. We went to the AT&T store a couple weeks ago, and she got an iPhone4, but they were out of stock, so they shipped her one. Apparently, the delivery guy didn't get a signature, and the phone was stolen, so we had to go back to the AT&T store and wait a while until they got their information in order. Ashley even called ahead of time and the person she talked to said everything was in order; all she had to do was show up with me (since it was on my account). It still took them the better part of an hour to figure everything out. Afterward, since I was there anyway, I asked if they could take a look at my phone and why it wasn't charging properly. They said I had to go to the service shop a few blocks away. I talked to the guy there for about 20 minutes, and in the end, he said that he'd have them ship me a new phone, battery, and charger, since they couldn't diagnose which was at fault. I'd get those in the mail, and then I'd ship back my current phone, battery, and charger at no cost. Sweet deal. Only, I got the package yesterday, and all that was in it was a phone. I hate customer service. On the other hand, in order to pay for my trip to Arizona, I sold a bunch of stock. I actually sold it twice, once before the trip, and then, having forgotten about it, again after the trip. I had the money deposited into my bank, but something went wrong, and they sent me a check. I never saw the check, but then, I don't keep a close eye on my mail. I called Fidelity up, explained the situation, and within minutes, everything was right. It was the best costumer service I've experienced. Church is going. Luke feels about the same as I do about our bible study now. It needs a reorg of sorts. Instead of having 20-40 guys in a room and splitting into randomly selected groups, we should have a bunch of small groups of people you actually get along with and really get to know them. Since that's on the radar, I think I'll keep going with it as-is, at least until I feel beat up enough to leave, as I've been feeling in the past. I have a lot of complaints, but not a lot of constructive feedback or ideas on how to make things better. I'd like to change that. I can't believe it's already the end of Wednesday. Monday I checked in my two-week bug fix. Yesterday I tried to get my coworker's project up and running and failed. Today I was in bed fighting a migraine. When I came in, I successfully figured out what was wrong with getting the project up and running (stupid hosts file), so at least there's that, but now I've got to make a bunch of changes the guy didn't have time for before he left on vacation. Who knows how long that will take. It's basically running down every possible code path and looking for places things could fail in order to make good error messages. I don't think the code paths are all that deep or broad, but I'm also not sure. Things apparently take me seven times as long as I originally think, and I don't have that much time this time. Tomorrow, I'm having my weekly Friday time with Chris (on Thursday), and on Friday evening, I'm leaving for the PCEC annual retreat. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for out of it. Last year I met Porter, so that was a huge blessing. There's a large chunk of time on Saturday for doing whatever you want, and it's a 45 minute drive to Crystal Mountain. I don't know if I'll bring my snowboard. I probably should. I hate "should." I hate feeling guilty about doing what whatever in my free time. I haven't been up to the mountain this year, and it would be fun. I'm not sure if I can fit my board in my car since I'm driving people with me. I could probably go with a coworker some weekend, if I pass this opportunity up. Ugh. Why is everything so complicated and guilt-ridden in my mind? The speaker this year is a pastor more "spiritually attuned" than most people at our church. People at Bethany aren't usually very comfortable talking about spiritual gifts or demons or spiritual oppression. This guy is. I met him once, but it was kind of awkward between us. I feel so dead right now. Life is monotonous and sickening. My main purpose in life seems to be not dying, because it would hurt people. And not trying to think about it. To some degree, wanting to die is a way of cursing God. At what point does being honest with God become blasphemy? A few weeks back, the sermon was on intimacy with God and being honest in prayer. As a gesture of honesty, I purposely left my bible under the pew. It wouldn't really affect my ability to read, since I normally just read online, but it was a gesture, a symbol. I have two souls, it seems. One that wants Good. One that can recognize love, at least to some degree. One that can feel affection from the simple act of playing cards with my mom, or a hug, or a kind tone. And one that is dead. One that can see acts of kindness and feel nothing. One that is scared of love. One that hates life, and having to live it. Trying to reconcile the twos' thoughts in order to speak them hurts and leaves me confused. It's pushing together two contradictory feelings and thoughts. The first knows that my mom loves me and can feel that as it happens. The second knows that my mom loves me but only because it's the truth. Where they agree is the matter of God's love. Both know that he loves me because it's the truth, but neither can recognize it. An acquaintance of mine FB posted the two words "
Psalm 77" the other day. The song talks about parting the Red Sea, and how that comforted him, but what I find interesting is that he never saw that. This song was written generations after that event. I also liked verse 19. "Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen." By "liked" I mean "found frustrating". I don't know; I'm such a mess right now. I just want to
feel life. Actual life. The life I'm living. Is that really too much to ask? I know that I am loved. Can't I
know that I am loved? Can't I see it? Feel it? Taste it? I'm blessed with a great job, my dream job. I have plenty of friends. There are so many interesting things out there. Why am I bored? Why do I hate life? Why am I sick? Why do I always lack energy? Why am I always hungry, even when I can't eat anymore? Why can't I make myself move? Why am I discontent? Why am I not fulfilled? Why don't I see what people who want to live see? Why is everything empty?
It seems the only time I get to write anymore is on flights. All I'm saying is that if you want to keep reading, you might try sending me places. A trip to Europe wouldn't be out of line.
I'm so terribly grieved to say I never saw the Poofy Jacket again. It appears we just were never meant to be. Our connection was only physical and when there's not depth, it just doesn't last very long. Hence, I was feeling a bit shallow about it. I talked to a couple people about her, namely my counselor and my community group pastor. I really should name him. For the time being, let's call him Porter.
Both of them said that there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting excited over a (small) physical touch like that. Touch is an important part of a relationship and life in general. It was some food for thought. Porter added that he didn't think I was a wuss for not talking to her after the service given the circumstances, but that he'd get on my case if I saw her again and didn't man up. This is because if I didn't, I'd be falling for an infatuation rather than the real thing. That makes sense.
Porter used to be a campus pastor. Every now and then one of his interns would get pious and tell him that they had a crush on one of the students, and request to avoid them in future events. He would then say, all right, that student is going on this trip and I want you to lead it. Also I see they're signed up for this retreat, and so you should help plan it and attend. This would confuse the intern, but in all but one case, they'd come back saying, oh man, I am so over them. In the one case where that didn't happen, the two got married.
I had a small crush on this girl I rarely saw, and I didn't want it. I applied Porter's story and the next time I saw her, hung out with her a bit. By the end of the night, I was so over her. Great girl, but not at all mine. She mumbles.
I don't remember when this particular conversation with Porter happened, but it's noteworthy. He has this notion of the resume and the interview, related to dating. The resume is compatibility on paper. Are you both Christians? Do you have similar interests? In short, is it a "smart" match? The interview is how well you get along. Do you have fun together? Can you maintain a conversation? Is it
easy to maintain a conversation? The interview is essentially chemistry. You have to have both for a successful relationship. For me, Denna is a great interview, but the resume doesn't work (ie, she's not a Christian). Vin has a great resume, but in person, we just don't feel it. Both are great people, and I'm super blessed to have them in my life, but neither is a good match for me.
Thanksgiving was great this year. My mom and Jack have moved into their new place and it's beautiful. The view, somehow, looks even better behind glass. Maybe it was the knowing, before the place was finished, that it wouldn't be as good as we were seeing it because it would be behind glass, and now we know what it'll look like. It could also be that every time I had the view before the house was completed, there was dust in the air and/or it was dark out. Or rainy. Anyway, the view is good. Company was great too. I didn't hear any of the usual family politicking, though apparently there was some. Ignorance is bliss, my friends. As is selective hearing.Sometime between the Poofy Jacket and Thanksgiving, my counselor and Porter both suggested online dating to me. It took me a while to get past caring about the stigma. STIGGMAAA. My counselor suggested eHarmony. Porter suggested both eHarmony and match.com. For me, he sided with match because he trusts that I'm not a shallow person who would only look for looks, and eHarmony doesn't allow you to see pictures until you've talked a few times. My counselor was talking about eHarmony and said they have a pretty rigorous personality test before you are allowed in. That night, mostly out of curiosity about the test, I sat down to join eHarmony. It's about as rigorous as the personality quizzes I used to take for fun and out of boredom in junior high. I clicked submit on the last page, and well, I'll let you read it.
