That's just plain unfair to compete with stories from civilians
Ok then.
Back in the early 2000s a couple of staple requirements crims used to ask for were Sorbolene cream and Linsal linament. Sometimes this was mixed together to make like a dencorub or metsal type cream.
So, the main use of sorbolene was as a “moistureriser”, or so they said, but we referred to it as “sleep cream”, so named because of the fact that blowing a load can induce post coital narcolepsy in some fellas. In other words it was used as a lube.
Nurses used to mix sorbolene and linsal together in those little yellow lid piss jars and label it on the front.
Till one day...
A crim comes to pill parade and asks for sorbolene. Young nursey sees some already jarred up and just hands it over.
Next day the same crim is at the window looking a bit edgy and uncomfortable. Tells the young nursey he needs a male nurse. So the ole Capt is called in to speak to the guy.
Tells me that is cock is red raw, itchy and scratchy with an angry rash that wasnt going away no matter how much sorbolene he put on. So I have myself a look see and it is has it sounds. His cock looked like an excoriated frankfurt. I sent him back to his cell to get his jar of “sorbolene”. 30 minutes later, by the rime he gets back through security etc he presents to the clinic again with his jar of cream in hand. I could smell it before I opened it.
It was “the mix” and whoever concocted the batch hadn’t labelled the jar LOL
Further questions revealed he had thought he was given sorbolene and that he had used it in the “usual” way. So obviously knowing what He meant I asked anyway. “So, what’s the normal way mate”, I said. He goes on to tell me sheepishly he had used it as lube to help him with a bit of whipping the dripping. I laughed, pissed him off with some calamine and went back to work.
Nothing more heard for the day from old mate Frankfurt but the next day a different crook comes to the sick parade complaining of a burning arsehole. Now I wasnt that keen to be examining some villains quoit and we had a quack on deck that day so I sent him to see the quack. Apparently his chocolate starfish was red, angry and swollen just like the dude’s pecker the day before. Also turned out they were cellmates - nudge, nudge, wink, wink. HAHAHAHA
The beauty of it was these two deviates were both rock spiders. There was a fairly high level of ambivalence and sympathy.
but would have run him down before he scored for sure
