Ask LU - The relationship advice thread II

[Hallatia]

The difference is a couple of drunk/spur of the moment incidents may mean your marriage is safe-able, where as an affair could mean she doesnt love her husband anymore and is looking elsewhere for sex/love.

To me atleast, there is a massive difference.

I agree there is a difference but people have affairs for all sorts of reasons if you are concerned about how slavagable the relationship is then you need to ask why the cheating happened in the first place and see if that is something which can be fixed or not

 

[Mong]

He deserves to know. Why should he spend the rest of his life with a cheating person? A dishonest person?
If she wants to save the relationship she should tell him, explain everything and then say why she wants the relationship to continue. She has forsaken her vows, she has lied and she has cheated. She is the one who f**ked up. It should be completely up to the man to decide whether the relationship is worth saving. She clearly hasn't valued the relationship as she should have. The man has seemed to however. She might say she will never do it again but I dare say she once said she would never do it at all.



There are two people in a marriage. Therefore it's up to both of them not just her. Anyway, you can't save a marriage by lying, and then continuously lying. A marriage is supposed to be built on honesty. If she wants to save it then she has to be honest. Lying to him everyday isn't saving a marriage, it's distorting it. Changing it from something built on truth to something built on lies.

Anyway, it hardly sounds like she deserves the opportunity to save her marriage, if he wouldn't want to.

Is he the kind of guy that would want to know? Some guys would rather not know and get on with things if she promises to be faithful. However it's very unfair on him if he would want to know. If he has to spend his life with a lying woman who isn't what he thinks she is.



This, exactly.

For some reason i feel the need to stick up for her after reading that, but i won't, i realise that views on this kind of thing vary greatly.

I see a few holes in your points there but i understand where you are coming from.

 

[Someone]

I agree there is a difference but people have affairs for all sorts of reasons if you are concerned about how slavagable the relationship is then you need to ask why the cheating happened in the first place and see if that is something which can be fixed or not

yes i know.

She has to ask herself this, and if she isnt going to be honest with her husband, she can start by being honest with herself.

 

[Mong]

yes i know.

She has to ask herself this, and if she isnt going to be honest with her husband, she can start by being honest with herself.

She explained her reasons to me, she is honest about why, that has never been in issue.

 

[Hallatia]

She explained her reasons to me, she is honest about why, that has never been in issue.

she needs to be honest about that with her husband, if she can't there is no relationship there. If he cares about continuing the relationship he will try to understand, if not, there's not much left there

 

[Mong]

she needs to be honest about that with her husband, if she can't there is no relationship there. If he cares about continuing the relationship he will try to understand, if not, there's not much left there

No he won't try, he sees everything as black and white on this issue as others here do as well, we both know that and have discussed that, what ever her reasons are, it won't matter at all.

It's not possible to tell and save the relationship.

 

[Someone]

she needs to be honest about that with her husband, if she can't there is no relationship there. If he cares about continuing the relationship he will try to understand, if not, there's not much left there

this. she doesnt tell him its a bogus marriage imo.

may not be ideal, but this will test her character and just what sort of person she is.

 

[TooheysNew]

Your world is very black and white, isn't it Springs.

 

[Ozzy]

No he won't try, he sees everything as black and white on this issue as others here do as well, we both know that and have discussed that, what ever her reasons are, it won't matter at all.

It's not possible to tell and save the relationship.

The guilt will build up inside and the secret may well come out in the end.

 

[Misanthrope]

I've dated a girl who was in a relationship in the past. I'm sure I told all about it in the Significant Other thread. Her boyfriend was back in South Africa and she lied to me and said she was planning to break it off.

We dated, slept together, and were a public couple in South Korea for about 3-4 months. He'd text late at night saying he loved her and missed her (as best I can tell from my limited Afrikaans) and she'd roll her eyes and ignore it.

Later, I found out from a mutual friend that she'd Skype him sometimes and say how much she loved and missed him. Then she'd come round to mine and we'd sleep together.

After we'd broken up and her contract ended, she went back to South Africa and carried on with the relationship as if nothing had happened. She'd call me or text me pretty regularly talking about getting back together when we both returned to Korea.

At the end of her time at home she finally did break up with him, then breezed back into town and slept with me. I got sick of the drama and started seeing a sane girl (dated her for two years) and the South African lass embarked on a clandestine lesbian relationship.

The poor other girl... they were together in Korea, traveled around Asia, and my ex dumped her the day they returned home because she couldn't 'be a gay' near her family.

Not a nice person, really. No reflection on Mong's lady friend, just my own experience.

 

[urban eel]

Thanks for the input all. After sleeping on it, or at least attempting to do so, i am not going to say anything, she also won't confess because firstly, she is not in the right spot emotionally to do so, and secondly telling him won't save the relationship which it appears she does actually want. He will leave immediately if he finds out, he is very very strong in his views over such things.

The only thing i am going to do is to continue to work with her to get out of her current denial stage (long story) and into a spot where she can move on and do all the right things.

If she continues to do it though then i don't know, i'm thinking a rethink to how i approach it will be in order.

Also not going to tell the wife, she is the least of my problems in all of this, i know how she will react and she will be good after an initial short period of being a bit p*ssed because she knows what i am like and will understand the confliction and the subsequent decision to not share, she will be more shocked about it all i think just as i was.

If he finds out though, that's a whole different story. The other guy is not yet aware i know either, i am also not planning on telling him that i do, she can if she wants but there is probably little to gain from that either.

Haven't seen the Husband since i found out, we are all having a party for Australia day weekend though... He's completely unsuspecting so he won't be looking for any signs but i am going to be paranoid as, at least initially, that he can see i know something.

Thank f*ck for beer !!

IMO i think you are doing the best thing for all parties involved.

but wasnt it her having too many beers that lead to this problem?

 

[Mong]

IMO i think you are doing the best thing for all parties involved.

but wasnt it her having too many beers that lead to this problem?

It lead to her telling me in the end..

Didn't lead to her previous actions though.

And more beers on the weekend will be fine, i am sure there is f**k all left she can tell me, certainly nothing that is going to surprise me after the last few days..

i hope..

**edit** I actually think she was drinking some kid of cider rubbish and not beer, not that it really matters

 

[Springs]

Your world is very black and white, isn't it Springs.

No, not at all. Not that you would know. Nice work though, saying my opinion's black and white based on one issue where I said being honest is most important. As Mong said, views on this thing vary greatly. Mine is only one. No reason to say mine is the black and white one when pretty much everyone had a pretty staunch view on the matter.

All I said was my opinion on the information Mong has said. There's obviously a lot more to it. I have no idea what either of these two people are like, or what their reasons for doing what they did are which Mong obviously shouldn't tell us. I've made a suggestion on what Mong has said. Pretty much everyone has either said 'tell him' 'don't tell him' or 'tell your wife'.

Anyway, I would like to know why you would stick up for her.

It's not possible to tell and save the relationship.

That's just the thing Mong. Is the relationship worth saving? How much value does she put on it if she would forsake everything it stood for? And also, would the guy invloved want a dishonest relationship? As Hallatia said, she needs to be honest with her husband. Otherwise, I don't know, it seems she is more concerned with what she wants, other than what her partner would want, or how her partner would feel.

 

[Dragon2010]

I'm sure this will sort it's self out in-time. Thinking about it now, staying out of it might be the best decisions overall.

On a side note; damn some girls can be very annoying at times.

 

[Mong]

That's just the thing Mong. Is the relationship worth saving? How much value does she put on it if she would forsake everything it stood for? And also, would the guy invloved want a dishonest relationship? As Hallatia said, she needs to be honest with her husband. Otherwise, I don't know, it seems she is more concerned with what she wants, other than what her partner would want, or how her partner would feel.

She puts a lot of value in it, which was the reason i was so shocked, if you see them together you would think they have the perfect relationship, goes to show you just can never tell.

I have no doubt she loves him and wants to be with him, unfortunately the other guy complicates it as she appears to think similar of him for differing reasons. Hence the denial that she can't have both in her life still at this stage.

It's complicated in her head the way she tells it that's for sure, i wouldn't want to be in her position and with what's going on in her head.

It's stressful enough just being in my position, she has been dealing with this for a while now, it's no wonder she ended up telling me and talking about it with me.

 

[Mong]

Anyway, have talked about it again and neither of us are going to say anything.

She assures me it's done and over with on a sexual level and its time to move on.

Time will tell, I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

F*cking hope I am right!!

Forgot to mention about a threesome though

 

[TooheysNew]

No, not at all. Not that you would know. Nice work though, saying my opinion's black and white based on one issue where I said being honest is most important. As Mong said, views on this thing vary greatly. Mine is only one. No reason to say mine is the black and white one when pretty much everyone had a pretty staunch view on the matter.

Nope. It's based on a bunch of observations of your posts. Very black and white.

 

[sportive cupid]

That will happen, she isn't ready for that yet though. She will need to want that help for it to be effective.. I can see she knows what I am saying is true, she isn't ready to accept it yet though.

As usual, time will help.

Time never helps anything.its what you do with the time that helps.

 

[WOTBEH]

I know what to say Mr Mong, but I'm not about to give you advice when I'm an emotional rollercoaster.

 

[sportive cupid]

The difference is a couple of drunk/spur of the moment incidents may mean your marriage is safe-able, where as an affair could mean she doesnt love her husband anymore and is looking elsewhere for sex/love.

To me atleast, there is a massive difference.

What's an affair?

Keeping intimate secrets from your partner might be worse in some eyes than pumping that big dick down the road.