Ask LU - The relationship advice thread II

[adamkungl]

Kind of what i wanted to do initially.. But she clearly needed someone to talk to and help her and as her friend i felt that was the right thing to do.

Although it now means i know pretty much everything...

They're both mates, you presumably value both their friendships, can't put one over the the other just because 'bros before hos'.

Stay the f**k out of it and convince her to do the right thing and own up.

 

[Springs]

Mong, if I was in that position I would ask myself, who should I be true to? The faithful friend or the unfaithful friend?

I think being honest to a friend is more important than keeping a dishonest person's secret.

 

[BDR]

I wouldn't tell him, but I would definitely say to the woman "either own up or we aren't friends anymore". I don't think I would be able to look him in the eye ever again.

 

[Eelementary]

They're both mates, you presumably value both their friendships, can't put one over the the other just because 'bros before hos'.

Stay the f**k out of it and convince her to do the right thing and own up.

This. If you say something, she will be mad. If you say nothing and he finds out and discovers you knew and said nothing, he'll be mad. Get her to confess.

 

[butchmcdick]

Why should she confess ?

They have kids and he seems happy.

It is her relationship and quite frankly if he never finds out will it matter ? The guilt here is hers not mong's. it is up to her to decide if she tells her husband.

Honestly what do you think will happen if he finds out she cheated ? They have kids etc.

Mong stay out of it. It isn't about you feeling absolved of guilt in this situation

 

[Hallatia]

I think she should confess and I think if she is confiding in Mong he should encourage her to confess. The way he found out suggests that others will find out sooner or later and it won't stop burdening her til she acts appropriately and it is not fair for her to burden Mong with it if she isn't prepared to rise above it and the only way to do that is to admit it to the person most affected by it. Also, it is better coming from her to her partner than anyone else.

If my husband cheated on me, I would want him to tell me straight away and I would want to know why, because his reasons would let me know whether or not we still have a relationship worth moving ahead with. And it's not appropriate to confide these things in friends who your partner knows (which if you're married to somone is likely to be all your friends) because it is not right to try to get them to sympathise especially if they know your partner

 

[Mong]

Thanks for the input all. After sleeping on it, or at least attempting to do so, i am not going to say anything, she also won't confess because firstly, she is not in the right spot emotionally to do so, and secondly telling him won't save the relationship which it appears she does actually want. He will leave immediately if he finds out, he is very very strong in his views over such things.

The only thing i am going to do is to continue to work with her to get out of her current denial stage (long story) and into a spot where she can move on and do all the right things.

If she continues to do it though then i don't know, i'm thinking a rethink to how i approach it will be in order.

Also not going to tell the wife, she is the least of my problems in all of this, i know how she will react and she will be good after an initial short period of being a bit p*ssed because she knows what i am like and will understand the confliction and the subsequent decision to not share, she will be more shocked about it all i think just as i was.

If he finds out though, that's a whole different story. The other guy is not yet aware i know either, i am also not planning on telling him that i do, she can if she wants but there is probably little to gain from that either.

Haven't seen the Husband since i found out, we are all having a party for Australia day weekend though... He's completely unsuspecting so he won't be looking for any signs but i am going to be paranoid as, at least initially, that he can see i know something.

Thank f*ck for beer !!

 

[sportive cupid]

Here's some professional /experiential advice Mong.

Encourage this friend to talk to an outside professional such as Relationships Australia or approach her local community health centre.

Issues like this don't just go away.Friends are too personally involved to listen as a neutral party would.No professional worth their salt will judge or direct a client in a direction that's wrong for them.

But...here's something for you to think about...a professional doesn't represent a fall guy like you could end up in these situations.

That's what I hope you might do if some similar thing happens in future.

 

[umina panther]

Blackmail her for sex imo

 

[Mong]

Here's some professional /experiential advice Mong.

Encourage this friend to talk to an outside professional such as Relationships Australia or approach her local community health centre.

Issues like this don't just go away.Friends are too personally involved to listen as a neutral party would.No professional worth their salt will judge or direct a client in a direction that's wrong for them.

But...here's something for you to think about...a professional doesn't represent a fall guy like you could end up in these situations.

That's what I hope you might do if some similar thing happens in future.

That will happen, she isn't ready for that yet though. She will need to want that help for it to be effective.. I can see she knows what I am saying is true, she isn't ready to accept it yet though.

As usual, time will help.

 

[Mong]

Blackmail her for sex imo

:lol:

The wife won't be understanding about that one..

 

[umina panther]

Invite her too haha

But yeah I'd keep my mouth shut

 

[madunit]

Threesome then lol

 

[God-King Dean]

Blackmail her for sex imo

The most sane suggestion so far.

Well, that & my idea of killing them both.

 

[Someone]

there is a difference between cheating once or twice and having a full blown affair.

If she wants to save her marriage its up to her, and her only. But from what you have shared, it appears things can only go downhill from here.

 

[Ozzy]

there is a difference between cheating once or twice and having a full blown affair.

If she wants to save her marriage its up to her, and her only. But from what you have shared, it appears things can only go downhill from here.

So if your partner cheated on you a few times it wouldn't be as bad as an affair?

 

[Hallatia]

I think it would depend on why the partner is cheating

 

[Someone]

So if your partner cheated on you a few times it wouldn't be as bad as an affair?

The difference is a couple of drunk/spur of the moment incidents may mean your marriage is safe-able, where as an affair could mean she doesnt love her husband anymore and is looking elsewhere for sex/love.

To me atleast, there is a massive difference.

 

[Springs]

He deserves to know. Why should he spend the rest of his life with a cheating person? A dishonest person?
If she wants to save the relationship she should tell him, explain everything and then say why she wants the relationship to continue. She has forsaken her vows, she has lied and she has cheated. She is the one who f**ked up. It should be completely up to the man to decide whether the relationship is worth saving. She clearly hasn't valued the relationship as she should have. The man has seemed to however. She might say she will never do it again but I dare say she once said she would never do it at all.

If she wants to save her marriage its up to her, and her only. But from what you have shared, it appears things can only go downhill from here.

There are two people in a marriage. Therefore it's up to both of them not just her. Anyway, you can't save a marriage by lying, and then continuously lying. A marriage is supposed to be built on honesty. If she wants to save it then she has to be honest. Lying to him everyday isn't saving a marriage, it's distorting it. Changing it from something built on truth to something built on lies.

Anyway, it hardly sounds like she deserves the opportunity to save her marriage, if he wouldn't want to.

Is he the kind of guy that would want to know? Some guys would rather not know and get on with things if she promises to be faithful. However it's very unfair on him if he would want to know. If he has to spend his life with a lying woman who isn't what he thinks she is.

If my husband cheated on me, I would want him to tell me straight away and I would want to know why, because his reasons would let me know whether or not we still have a relationship worth moving ahead with. And it's not appropriate to confide these things in friends who your partner knows (which if you're married to somone is likely to be all your friends) because it is not right to try to get them to sympathise especially if they know your partner

This, exactly.

 

[Springs]

The difference is a couple of drunk/spur of the moment incidents may mean your marriage is safe-able, where as an affair could mean she doesnt love her husband anymore and is looking elsewhere for sex/love.

To me atleast, there is a massive difference.

I think they all involve a very low level of respect for your partner.