Hmmm, IDEA.....
(Rugby League takes the podium, after being roasted by Rugby, Football and Aussie Rules. The crowd waits for Rugby League's response).
"Thanks for all coming out tonight to listen to this lot roast me. Especially Rugby, it's great to see my older brother here. I didn't know my older brother thought I was such a common, knuckle-dragging ignoramus. I can see where he's coming from, though- if I was richer but my younger brother was better looking, more popular and partying harder, I'd be pretty pissed off too. It's alright though bro- you've always got your white South African mates and your Neo-Nazi friends to sip scotch with and lament the good old days! He also said I had a culture of binge drinking- what can I say? Last night I got absolutely shit-faced, I am still pretty hung over now as we speak and to be honest, I don't know exactly what I've done the past 24 hours or where I am. But looking around me, I see this place is full and people are watching me so I'm obviously not at a Super 14's match! You're proof that money can't buy you love.
I can see Football sitting there quietly, having a laugh. Mate, when did you change your name from Soccer? You're like the ethnic bloke who gets cashed up, moves from the western suburbs to Bondi then changes the pronounciation of his name, saying "Ciao!" and deriding the "bogans" from Blacktown- you're fooling nobody! You kept going on about how small I am and how you're "The world game". Stuff like "Rugby League only matters in NSW, Qld and some Northern English coal mining towns, but I'm the World Game" and "The World Game is better than Rugby League because people all over the world follow it". Let me just say that while you were prattling away there, the audience and I were stuffing ourselves on the seafood platter and drinking French champagne. That rubbish is beneath you though- because McDonald's is "The World's Restaurant" and Coca Cola is "The World's drink" so you must be pretty hungry by now, huh? You also called me "A dumb game, followed by bogans and played by morons". That was pretty funny actually, I'll give you that one. You should tell it next time you go for some quiet drinks with your West Ham or Millwall supporting friends. And feel free to laugh at how simple I am next time you're discussing philosophy with Wayne Rooney. I'd mention the A-League but I'll leave it there, 'cause you're looking more anxious than Fernando Torres in front of an open goal!
Who have I missed? Ahhhh yes, Aussie Rules. I see you there with that smug grin on your face, holding that map of Australia with the Barassi line printed on it. I'm glad you got to stand up and rubbish my name, I was worried you weren't going to make it. Why did you spend an hour in the boggers, and where's my 15 year old sister gone? You said that I am dumb, uneducated and always mucking up, and that you're the poster boy who never gets into trouble. As it happens, I got a call earlier from hotel reception, they said last night you trashed your room. But then Andrew Demetriou gave them a phone call and they sent the cleaners up to sweep all your mess under the carpet, so it's all taken care of now. As for being dumb, how dumb do you have to be to hit on schoolgirls? Surely you must be educated enough to know to check I.D? Or not let teenage girls take photos of you and your mate, naked touching pork swords? And how f**king dumb do you have to be to let a teenage girl hold your entire code to ransom? You hated on me for only being liked in 2 states and it's true, I'll give you that one. I wish I could be a huge code, followed in 3 states and having Melbourne as my international headquarters. How are the preparations for your next World Cup going? I hear the people of Nauru can't wait! In regards to everything else though- like an Aussie Rules sharp shooter who kicks the ball between the outer posts, you might think you scored but everybody else knows in reality, you still missed the point!
So let the haters keep on hating but remember this: I am Rugby f**king League! Sure I get a little too drunk sometimes, maybe I swear in polite conversation and I do fart in public sometimes- but who cares? People f**king love me! I have the mates, the attention from the babes and the everyday appeal that Rugby can only dream about, I eat talented pea-hearted prima donnas like Cristiano Ronaldo for breakfast then spit 'em out and go for more, and as for Aussie Rules- at least I can step off a plane overseas and people actually know who the f**k I am! Thank you all and goodnight!"
