Summer Jokes.

[Eelementary]

A bus full of Catholic school girls has a horrific crash. Everyone dies.

Once in heaven, St. Peter asks all the girls to line up.

The first girl in the front of the line is Rosie.

"OK, Rosie. I must ask you - have you ever touched a penis?"

Rosie blushes and admits, "Well, I once touched one with the tip of my finger."

"OK, dip your finger in the Holy Water and proceed through the gate."

"OK Sally. Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well once stroked one."

"OK, cover your hand in Holy Water and proceed through thre gate."

Suddenly, there is a commotion, and Kirsty runs up from the back of the line to the front.

"Kirsty, what's wrong?"

"Well," replies Kirsty, "if I'm going to have to drink the Holy Water, I want to do it BEFORE Tiffany sticks her arse in it!"

 

[Eelementary]

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on their brooms.

Q: What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?
A: He grows.

Q. What do you call a cockroach in a matchbox?
A. A mexican tamagotchi

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken

Q. Whats a mixed feeling?
A. Your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q. Whats the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

Q. Whats the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy

Q. Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day while anal sex makes your hole week

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating

Q. Why dont they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in iraq?
A. They dont want to wear out the camels

Q. Whats the difference between a g-spot and a golfball?
A. A guy will actually search for the golfball


Q. How can you spot a porno star at the petrol station?
A. Just as the petrol starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car

Q. How do you know when its time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants, if you have a penis, its not time

Q. How do New Zealanders practise safe sex?
A. They spray paint red X's on the back of the sheep that kick

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Causde its worth it

Q. What do you call kids that were born out of a whorehouse?
A. Brothel sprouts


There are four guys in one prison cell. A Zoophile, Sadist, Necrophile and an Extreme Sports Junky.

The Zoophile says "Ahh, if I had a cat here, I'd fsck it till I pass out."
The Sadist says "Ahh, after that I'd torture it until it's dead."
The Necrophile says "Wow, after that I'D fsck it till I pass out."
meanwhile the Extreme Sports Junky is sitting in a far corner and very quietly says "meow"

 

[Rednecked Yobbo]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench whilst smoking. It starts to rain when one of them pulls a condom from her handbag.
"Whats is that?" asks the second lady.
"It's a condom, Thats to keep my cigarette dry in the rain." The first one replies.
"Where can I get one?" Grannny 2 asks.
"Down at the chemist" comes the reply.
So the second old lady bids her friend farewell and goes down to the chemist. She asks the man for a condom.
"What size?" Asks the chemist.
"One to fit a CAMEL."

 

[Hurriflatch]

Q. Whats a mixed feeling?
A. Your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Get your own material and quit stealing your jokes from Smithy's post match press conferences :lol:

 

[nöyd]

* A sandwich walked into a bar, the barman says "Get out! We don't serve food here!"

 

[Johns Magic]

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley one night. One was assaulted.

Two fish were in a tank. One of them said to the other "So how do you drive this thing?"

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in his muesli last week? He got pulled in by a strong currant, and now the police are on the look out for a cereal-killer.

 

[planeteels]

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

...........PRICELESS!


---------------


Why do men masturbate?

Because they want to have sex with someone they love.


---------------


What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea? Well, one shucks between fits.



---------------


What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady? One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it...

 

[MarkInTheStands]

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on their brooms.

Oi

Anyrate,

One Witch Joke so I will respond in Kind.

A Pagan man dies, and moves into the afterlife, there is smoke and a bright white light that he moves towards to find St Peter at the Pearly Gates, The Pagan confused said " I must have taken a wrong turn, I am a pagan and I don't believe in Heaven, I should be going to the Elysium Fields by now!".

St Peter Piped up," arrhhh yes, sorry your one of the Pagan People, Righto, we had to close down the Elysium fields for renovations for a millennia, you guys sure can through a party, but we have made some arrangements, follow this staircase, and just hand this note to the person you meet"

The Pagan went down a staircase, found a small wooden door, through which he went, and found himself in a pristine wooden area; standing in front of the door he had just come through was a Large imposing Angel with Black wings. The Pagan said "Wait a minute your the Devil aren’t you?" Handing the devil the note. "Why yes" Said the Devil, Look I have just come from Heaven which I don't believe in to for you whom I don't believe in, all I want to do is get to the Elysium field.

The Devil said “Yeah we are renovating the Elysium fields for a Millennia, so you guys have been given this space, Let me show you around"

As the pagan and the devil cleared the woods, they found great green fields rolling hills , Trees and Streams, Birds in the air and game animals moving around. The Devil said, "There is a market on over the hill, selling all sorts of things, there is a drinking tent down there as well. . . " But the Devil Trailed off as the pagan heard a sound from above him ". . . a a a a a a " It grew louder "aaaaaaaarr" and Louder "aaaaaarrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh" and Louder "AAAARRRRRHHHHHH" the pagan looked up and saw the figure of a man falling towards the ground. As the figure drew closer, the scene changed, to Red Brimstone and chasms of fire, one of which opened up just in front of the pagan and the devil.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and the person fell into the chasms. The Pagan turned to the Devil and said "What was that???"

The Devil Replied, "Christians, they wouldn't have it any other way"

 

[planeteels]

This bloke named Steve started a new job at a Company. To set up his access etc he needed to give a password so the IT guys could setup his computer.

Steve told the IT department his password. Erica, one of the IT staff members asked Steve what he wanted as his password, so Steve being a smarta$$, thought he would be funny and said, "Penis." Erica looked at Steve and said "are you sure?" and Steve said "yeah". Erica typed in Steves password "Penis", and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard Erica p!ss!ng herself laughing as a reaction from the error message returned by the computer:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

 

[shadow grinder]

:lol:some good jokes people

 

[yy_cheng]

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and nice person right there on the sand was $10,000,000."

"For my second wish, I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger"

"Finally for my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, "How about a little head?"

 

[Rednecked Yobbo]

2 condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "lets go in and get shitfaced."

 

[Utey]

 

[Eelectrica]

Q: What's more dangerous than a locked room full of angry Bulldogs supporters?

A: A Bulldogs supporter with the key. ;-)

 

[GoParra]

P.J.Marshal :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Eelementary]

LOL

Some great jokes there guys.

Keep 'em coming!

 

[Suitman]

P.J.Marshal :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Funniest joke so far.

Its funny...............because its true. :lol:

Suity

 

[sportive cupid]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. >
ANd what about...
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

[sportive cupid]

"Doctor I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'". "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[PJ Marshal]

P.J.Marshal :lol: :lol: :lol:

L.A.M.E. :arrow: