Ask LU - The relationship advice thread

[cainen]

you know we all do. Make the post

You asked for it, now suffer the consequences..It's long and I understand if no-one cbf reading it.

Alright…so here is my current situation…

My girlfriend of a bit over a year and a half currently hates me because I said “Merry Christmas” to a girl on facebook…

Unfortunately how we got to this stage requires a big back story (another warning this will be long and boring) so here goes…I originally met this girl in October 2009 through my brother’s now ex-gf. We went out a fair few times but never really went past holding hands and kissing occasionally. I really liked her and continued to pursue her thinking perhaps she is very conservative being Vietnamese. After about 6 or 7 weeks she told me she was kind of close to this guy that she knew on the internet. They had met a couple of times but he lived in Vietnam. I wasn’t really aware at the time but she was really into this guy. In December that year I gave her the choice of being with me or him. At the time she said him. I was kind of pissed off as I’d been chasing her for a long time and had taken her out many times. She was going back to Vietnam for a holiday in January 2010 and had told me she preferred him so I tried to move on. I hit the internet dating scene and went out with a couple of girls but I always had my mind on the Vietnamese girl as she was always the one I really wanted.

When she came back from Vietnam she wanted to meet up with me. She told me that she’d broken up with “her bf” and wanted us to try and form a relationship. I didn’t know it at the time but it turned out the main reason she’d broken up with him was because her family hated him (and he does seem like a knob from what I can gather). I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time and was pretty happy with this outcome. So we went out and over the next year developed a fairly serious relationship with each other.

Fast forward a bit and early this year she decided to move to North Qld to do industry training for 9 months as part of her hospitality course. I knew it would be hard for us to be apart but I supported her decision as it would be hard to find a position in Sydney and I thought Port Douglas would be an awesome place for her to live.

I had always had an idea in the back of my head that it would be cool to live and teach English in Asia. I started thinking if there is ever a time to do it, then was the time to do it as I absolutely hated my job and my girlfriend was moving interstate for 9 months so there’s nothing left for me here in Sydney. So with that in mind I quit my job and after she’d left for Qld in May, I left for Thailand in June planning to teach English for 6 months or so.

About 3 weeks before I’d left my brother had told a Thai girl that he had previously travelled with to add me on facebook as I’d be going to Thailand soon and he thought she could show me around. I chatted to her online a bit and she seemed nice so I agreed for her to show me around Bangkok one weekend. I went there and she showed me around. We had a pretty good time together and she told me I should just stay at her place for the night and stupidly, I did. I wasn’t at all interested at being anything more than friends and nothing ever happened other than being just friends. Whilst she was showing me around I had told her my teaching course didn’t start until August and I’d planned on doing a train trip from Thailand to Malaysia and then to Singapore before heading back to Thailand. She told me she’d never been to Malaysia and asked if she could travel with me. She seemed nice and we got along well so I said OK.

I told my girlfriend that I’d been shown around Bangkok one weekend by a Thai girl and that I’d stayed at her place. I was thinking I have nothing to hide but understandably my girlfriend was seriously pissed off. At this time she told me she didn’t want me to see the Thai girl again. I’d already organised to go to Malaysia with her though and didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. I’d dug myself into a nice little hole.

In a futile attempt at keeping everyone happy I decided to travel to Malaysia with the Thai girl and hide it from my girlfriend. How could she ever find out? We were only staying in Malaysia for two nights before she went back to Thailand and I continued to Singapore. So I travelled to Malaysia with the Thai girl, we had a good time, she went back to Thailand, and I continued to Singapore as planned. We had a purely platonic relationship and all seemed well.

In about mid July whilst I was in Singapore I started to seriously miss my girlfriend. We talked a fair bit online and it turned out she was seriously missing me too. I really wanted to see her so I decided to ditch my English teaching course (leaving behind a $500 deposit) and head to Nth Qld to be with her for a while (in hindsight I probably should have done this in the first place). The earliest flight I could get back to Sydney was the 30th July.
About 2 days before I left to come back to Australia I was awoken by an angry txt message from my girlfriend saying how much she hated me, how could I have lied to her, I’m a cheat etc etc. It turns out she had logged onto facebook, seen my Thai friend in my friends list, decided to check her out so went to her profile which had no privacy settings enabled and had then seen all her Malaysia pics that were almost exactly the same as mine. I was in deep shit.

After much pleading and begging I convinced her to still let me come to see her in Nth Qld. So I went there and it was pretty up and down. Sometimes we would be madly in love, other times she would immensely hate me when she was reminded of what she thinks I may have done in Thailand/Malaysia. She has told me she believes that nothing happened between me and the Thai girl but I know in the back of her mind she is still suspicious.

After 5 weeks I thought it’s been about 5 months since I’ve had a job so I should probably go back to Sydney and try to find a job. Towards the end of my time in Nth Qld I found out that my gf had been in constant contact with her ex-internet-bf from Vietnam. He was planning to move to Singapore with his new gf and wanted to borrow $1k from my gf. He had been swearing and yelling and carrying on at her about the money. I was not happy about this at all and told her she shouldn’t lend it to him but she did anyway. I told her she’s probably never going to see her money again but that it was her choice.
Anyway I left Nth Qld on reasonably good terms with my gf to come back in search of a job. 5 or 6 weeks later my gf and I started seriously missing each other again. She had some leave accumulated and she came up with the idea of the both of us going back to her home country of Vietnam for a holiday. The jobs market was extremely quiet so I agreed. We booked our holiday for 3 weeks to Vietnam in November. She flew back to Sydney and off we went to Vietnam to spend some time by ourselves and also for me to meet her family.

Once we got there it seemed she had developed a complex about me and Asian girls. Nearly once a day she would get pissed off or sulky about me checking out other girls. Admittedly sometimes I did (there are some bloody sexy ones), but most of the time I didn’t know what she was talking about. It seemed like she would get pissed off if I looked in the general direction of another girl. This happened for most of the 3 weeks we were together in Vietnam. Each time I managed to cheer her up or convince her to give me another chance but it was been growing pretty tiresome.

Whilst waiting for a flight back to Australia she thought I was checking out some girls and got really pissed off at me again. At this time she told me she met up with her ex-bf whilst we were in Vietnam. It was while she’d gone out to get some dental work done (more than a week before) and I’d been waited at the hotel for her to come back. He had come back from Singapore to specifically see her. She said she had planned to get the $1k back but he didn’t give her anything. I still have no idea what they got up to while they were together but I have decided to trust that nothing happened. I was pretty pissed off but I managed to forgive her as I know I’ve done things to lose her trust in the past.

Once we were back in Sydney at the end of November I stayed here to find a job and she went back to Nth Qld to finish off her traineeship. We talk every day and occasionally she gets the shits with me for one reason or another, usually because she starts thinking about what she thinks I did in Thailand/Malaysia but we always manage to overcome it.

Then on Christmas eve I got tagged in a “Merry Christmas” photo that my Thai friend posted on facebook. In the comments section I wrote “Merry Christmas ”. My gf saw this and again is seriously pissed off with me. She has told me to leave her alone, not to call her and if I want to talk just to txt her. I have txted her but she hasn’t replied…

…And that is where things currently are.

It seems like we have managed to develop a pretty unhealthy relationship. She is really paranoid about me and other girls (even though I have been faithful the entire time).

She says she can’t break up with me because now she has taken me back to Vietnam to meet her family. And they all seem to really like me (especially her mother). So now I get the feeling she is trying to make me break up with her since she feels she is unable to do so.

I’m not sure what to do. I really do love her and can’t imagine being without her or being with anybody else. But I’m not sure if that is just because she is my first serious relationship. I have convinced her many, many times that we should be together but she always gets angry or upset with me eventually. I know I’ve done some dumb things that have resulted in a loss of trust but then she has done some pretty bad things to should make me lose trust too. But I do trust her..

I’m not sure if this relationship can last long term.

This is more of a venting post but I’m happy to listen to any comments.

 

[Twizzle]

over to you Hala, not touching that

 

[Hallatia]

he wasn't kidding when he said it was long.

I have started reading, am up to the meeting up in North Queensland bit

 

[Hallatia]

finished reading, feedback might take a while though because I'm watching the cricket

 

[Bazal]

Break up with her. That is not a healthy level of paranoia. I've had a couple of short lived relationships with girls like that, it'll only happen later after much angst, so why delay the inevitable?

 

[Hallatia]

Break up with her. That is not a healthy level of paranoia. I've had a couple of short lived relationships with girls like that, it'll only happen later after much angst, so why delay the inevitable?

In my experiences with male friends who have parted ways with the girl they were in their first serious relationship with, they struggle take it, like seriously struggle, for a long time. Of course everyone is different, but from what I've seen and put up with from male friends, it's really not easy

 

[Shorty]

Ok Cainen, that was a read haha.
Look you've sort of messed up here by lying to her and no, you weren't unfaithful...but you still deceived her.....and that's a big deal.
And that's what the crux of this is, you felt the need to lie to her for some reason and that's a hard thing to recover from, it takes a long time and a lot of patience.

Ideally you should have told her about traveling with this chick before you agreed to it, as she's your partner and deserves to sort of discuss that.
The whole paranoia and jealous thing links back to the lying, as she can't fully trust you and it's easier to just be paranoid.

If you really love her, you need to just leave it and be patient....and make sure that you don't lie to her again.
Otherwise if it's too stressful maybe break it off.

This stuff happens you learn from it and next time....lol don't lie to girls...they will find out everything.

 

[Bazal]

Yeah, he lied to her...but this kind of overreaction and suspicion is ridiculous in a dedicated relationship. It seems as though there is no trust on her end, and that's doom for any relationship. Better to cut your losses IMO, it will hurt for a while but will be less painful in the long run

 

[Hallatia]

I disagree with Shorty, I think sometimes its best to let crazy people believe some things which are untrue, it's not like you outright lied to her you just concealed some information which would have made her unhappy, she was clearly already crazy before and I think that has a lot to do with her own conscience.

Here's what I think and I'm going to be blunt with you, your girlfriend is a crazy hypocritical bitch, she also seems very insecure though but there is no excuse for taking that out on you. I know you love her, but you should not have to tolerate her insanity and hypocricy. The more you do, the more you allow her to continue to behave that way or worse towards you. You don't have to break up with her (although you probably should), but you need to be firm with her and tell her that she is being entirely hypocritical. She could well be trying to push you to break up with herI'm going to be blunt with you, your girlfriend is a crazy hypocritical bitch, she also seems very insecure though but there is no excuse for taking that out on you. I know you love her, but you should not have to tolerate her insanity and hypocricy. The more you do, the more you allow her to continue to behave that way or worse towards you. You don't have to break up with her (although you probably should), but you need to be firm with her and tell her that she is being entirely hypocritical. She could well be trying to push you to break up with her and I think you should ask her if she is

 

[Shorty]

Yeah, he lied to her...but this kind of overreaction and suspicion is ridiculous in a dedicated relationship. It seems as though there is no trust on her end, and that's doom for any relationship. Better to cut your losses IMO, it will hurt for a while but will be less painful in the long run

Oh probably, but I can see how this has manifested.
If he doesn't lie to her, that paranoia doesn't exist.

 

[Bazal]

Not sure that's true either, she seemed paranoid before that. Not to mention she was doing a similar thing with her ex. Obviously we've only got one side of the story, but she seems like one of my exes...overly and needlessly jealous, suspicious, and selfishly hypocritical. Just my take on it

 

[Twizzle]

this is getting juicy

 

[cainen]

Fair calls from everyone. I'm still kinda torn. What Shorty says is what I've pretty much been telling myself in my head. I feel like it's pretty much my fault as I hid something and I should be patient and work to regain her trust since I definitely feel like I love her.

But another part of me thinks surely she is overreacting and perhaps I wouldn't have lied if she trusted me completely.

Basically my heart is saying stay with her and work it out but my head says move on and therein lies the problem. What should I follow? There is another part of my body saying stay with her but I am trying to ignore that part as best I can...

Her mum and dad also had a pretty messed up relationship which I think has caused her some mental anguish and is partly to blame for our problems. I've been trying to stick with her but after so many issues I've been started to wonder if it is worth it or not.

 

[cainen]

This stuff happens you learn from it and next time....lol don't lie to girls...they will find out everything.

Quoted for truth...

 

[Jobdog]

IMO you should ask yourself why you felt the need to not tell her the truth in the first place. I think that's the major issue here ...

Oh and trust me RE: the getting over your first g/f thing; I've been trying for the last 10 weeks and it ain't getting easier for either of us.

 

[Shorty]

Not sure that's true either, she seemed paranoid before that. Not to mention she was doing a similar thing with her ex. Obviously we've only got one side of the story, but she seems like one of my exes...overly and needlessly jealous, suspicious, and selfishly hypocritical. Just my take on it

Well, yeah but I'd expect that....girls are jealous creatures and a lot of girls would be at least slightly pissed if their partner had gone and made plans to travel around asia with a girl they hadn't known about until then.

Here's the flipside, do you honestly think a guy is going to be ok with their girlfriend traveling around a country with another guy? Cause I'm skeptical that they wouldn't be at least a little concerned.

Anyway regardless, going and lying about it just made her even more paranoid.
I can speak with this whole thing from both angles....especially creating a lie to not hurt/create drama....it bites you in the butt majorly in the end...almost always!

Ideally, the relationship probably should have ended when distance was added...long distance is very difficult.

But yeah lol sorry mate that probably isn't very comforting, you need to both sit down and discuss it....she needs to get over the fact that you lied to her once and if she can't, then it's probably a lost cause.
There will be others, trust me!

 

[Cliffhanger]

Dump her, if it's that complicated that you had to type that much, it's not worth it.

Sorry I couldn't read it.

 

[Bazal]

Well, yeah but I'd expect that....girls are jealous creatures and a lot of girls would be at least slightly pissed if their partner had gone and made plans to travel around asia with a girl they hadn't known about until then.

Here's the flipside, do you honestly think a guy is going to be ok with their girlfriend traveling around a country with another guy? Cause I'm skeptical that they wouldn't be at least a little concerned.

Anyway regardless, going and lying about it just made her even more paranoid.
I can speak with this whole thing from both angles....especially creating a lie to not hurt/create drama....it bites you in the butt majorly in the end...almost always!

Ideally, the relationship probably should have ended when distance was added...long distance is very difficult.

But yeah lol sorry mate that probably isn't very comforting, you need to both sit down and discuss it....she needs to get over the fact that you lied to her once and if she can't, then it's probably a lost cause.
There will be others, trust me!

I'd be fine with it, and I have been in the past. I have a really close female friend who I have been on trips with. Like I said, if the relationship is solid then both partners should have enough trust to deal with that

 

[Monk]

I agree with Baz on this one; if you're that paranoid about it, cut your losses and move on. I think you'll be surprised when you're single again; and you arnt paranoid every 5 seconds. You're much better off.

 

[adamkungl]

I'm with Baz as well on the trust issue. You needed to set boundaries after you first hung out with Thai chick and she got bitchy. If you have given no previous reason to be considered untrustworthy, a girlfriend of a few months has no business telling you who you can or can not hang out with, she either trusts you or she doesn't, and if she doesn't trust you then imo it isn't going to work.